What You Want vs. What You Get

I've always been a big believer in "you get what you ask for."  Even before that damn movie "The Secret" was out, I knew inherently that, if you put out bad vibes, you'd get them back; if you put out happy ones, you'll get them.  It's called karma.

So, in general, I try to be pretty good-natured.  But, over the course of the last several days, I've been beaten down into submission from the karmic-Gods and I don't even know what I did to deserve it.  Here's how it's gone down in my little game of "What You Want vs. What You Get."

What I Want :: To make people laugh.

What I Get :: My brother calling my dad and tattling on me after I blogged about stuff I'd already said to him in person.

What I Want :: A nice little fence around the back yard so the dogs can frolic happily.

What I Get :: A nice 4 1/2 foot fence that took twelve hours to install, multiple trips to Home Depot, hundreds of dollars out of our checking account, and a dog that is apparently crossbred with Super Man because he can jump over it like it's nothing. 

What I Want :: One day to work completely uninterrupted.

What I Get :: 3 hours of chasing a loose dog around the neighborhood while he proudly carries a dead squirrel in his mouth.

What I Want :: To serve my time on jury duty in peace.

What I Get :: A seat next to chatty-cathy whose breath always smells like cat poop.

So what did I do to piss off the karma Gods anyway?  I can think of about 10 people that are going to email me right after they read this and list all the reasons I'm being justly punished.

E=MC Hungover

As I peeled my eyelids open at 6am and sat up, I was immediately reminded why I very rarely drink anymore. I'm pretty sure that it was because I didn't like the feeling of my brain trying to squeeze it's way out through my eardrums.

So, a half-hour later, I've had two cups of coffee, two Excedrin Migraines, and a bowl of Fiber One with Blueberries. Although, my lame attempts at eating healthy this morning are less about curing my hangover and more about making a sacrifice to the back fat Gods for all the french friends drench in Ranch dressing that I consumed while listening to my NASCAR loving brother talk about protein shakes.

I wonder if I should call him and ask if they cure a hangover.

How did I get in this condition, you might ask? The kid had a sleepover last night, which was supposed to be at our house. But first we needed to pick-up both the friend and her bags. When her mum asked if I wanted a glass of wine, I ponied my fat-ass up to the table and figured why not? It's not often I get social hour with adults anymore and the girls were keeping themselves entertained, so it seemed like a good idea.

Well, 3 glasses + a few splashes of wine later, and I think I managed to make quite an endearing impression; I'm sure that after last night, they'll likely never let their kid come over again. How bad could it be? Well......

• It's possible that I was mildly offensive (I know, completely shocking, right?) regarding both minivans and black leather couches; both of which they own.


• I divulged that one of my someday-sister-in-laws lives in a single-wide across from a state prison with her ex-convict husband and that together they run a concession stand at a rodeo.


• I spoke of my brother and his pimped out minivan with the NASCAR license plates.


• I spoke of my brother who named his kid after a WWF wrestler.


• We chatted about my mother, who has the drunk husband that passes out in the driveway and thinks he's fluent in Chinese.

It really makes you want to invite me over, right now, doesn't it?

Now, today, in my fragile condition, I get to go volunteer at the Spring Fair for the kids' elementary school. The bake table, the checkerboard game, and one other awesomely fun thing. Three whole hours of screaming children all vying for trinkety prizes. I can hardly wait.

Why do I do such a thing? Because I'm the PTO's bitch, that's why.

T.G.I.F.

I gotta say, there's nothing better than your brother with the pimped-out mini-van calling about protein drinks on a Friday night when you're drunk. The brother that loves NASCAR and has named his kid after a WWF wrestler has called to ask if protein drinks are what fills you up.

Clearly, he thinks I'm the pinnacle of healthy living.

He must not know that I'm currently eating seasoned french fries drenched in Ranch, and that I had gummy bears and a diet Pepsi for lunch.

Even funnier, he has no idea I'm three sheets to the wind and giving him advice.

But he's chatting (yes, we're on the phone right now) about my mother's fish tank, the dispute with her drunk husband over fish babies, and how hot it is in the factory he spends his days in. He reports there's a tornado watch in Michigan, the trees are blowing over, and his WWF namesake is really good at sliding in to the bases in t-ball.

So, if you're in Michigan, get your ass in the basement.

I Hate Stringy Bananas

I've been having some pretty piss-poor luck with food today.

First, I tried to beat the garbage guy today, but by the time I tossed all the spoiled food from the refrigerator into the trash and tied up the bag, he was just pulling off our street.  I contemplated throwing the bag in the car and chasing him, but decided against it because it was just too much effort before my second cup of coffee.  So now, I have a bag full of rotten food sitting in the trash can outside; who wants to lay money on a raccoon family moving in soon?

Then, I really wanted and egg and cheese sandwich from the Double D's, but remembered that we're trying to stick to this thing called a budget, and we're not allowed to use the debit card for things like that.  So I swore at myself because I didn't have any cash with me.  Then I swore again because the debit card thing was my stupid rule to begin with, so I can't even be the first one to break it.

I came home and made an egg and cheese sandwich here, but ended up with 1/2 the egg shell in my egg, but in a million little pieces.  So I, of course, swore some more.  I once dated a guy that could crack an egg with one hand AND keep all the shells out of it.  I probably should have asked him to teach me that at some point.  Needless to say, digging egg shells out of a slimy egg is really no fun, and it's a lot of work.  Had it not been the last egg in the house, I would have just thrown it away and started over.

And now, I've just had the pleasure of eating a little snack of precisely 28 almonds (yes,  counted them) and a banana.  But the banana was stringy.  I hate stringy bananas.  Just when you bite off a chunk, you have a big stringy thing hanging down your chin.  Or across your arm (not sure how that one got there).

If I didn't love food so much, I'd really contemplate giving it up.

Working from home vs. Working in an office

There are definite advantages to working from home, don't get me wrong.  But for every advantage, there is also a disadvantage.  So, for anyone considering a work-at-home career, take the following in to consideration.

1. You might have a neighbor that likes to drive past your house on his riding lawnmower, thus making clients on the other end of the phone say, "What's that noise?"  Trying to explain it becomes difficult when they are under the impression that you are actually working in an office.

2. You will have unlimited access to your cupboards and food, therefore, your risk of obesity is much higher because you can eat ice cream, cookies, and Butterfingers anytime you want.

3. If you choose to be the better person and not buy junk food, thus reducing your risk of becoming obese, your family will hate you, and the evening hours of your day will be miserable.

4. You will likely get distracted by things such as laundry, MySpace, YouTube, and Facebook.

5. It's easy to develop and online gambling habit.

6. You only get paid when your clients decide it's time to cut a check; you cannot storm in to their offices and demand payment if they do not live in the same town as you.

7. If they do live in the same town, and you do storm into their office, be prepared to be escorted out by security, never see the money the owe you, and never be able to work in the town you live in again.

8. Your significant other may develop the annoying habit of saying, "So, what are you doing tomorrow?"  If you state the obvious, "working just like you," s/he will roll their eyes and say, "No, really, what are you doing?"  This will cause tension in your household and you will have to fight the urge to screech, "do you think I just pluck paychecks off the money tree in the backyard asshole?"

9. You might decide to blog all day instead of actually working.

10. You run the risk of becoming socially inept because you spend your entire day with two dogs, a cat, and your computer.

Exciting News!

Well, I'm happy to say that I've got baby news......not my own of course, because we all know how well that seems to be going.

But, one of my BFF's called yesterday to say she's cookin' a kid and I gotta say, if anyone deserves a little, it's her.  For all the time I've known her, she's wanted nothing more than to have a screeching child to chase around.  Bless her heart, she's watched countless nieces and nephews be born, and she's never once shown petty jealously, unlike me. 

Rae is one of those people that's really, really nice. if I didn't actually know her, I'd probably spend a lot of time disliking her because she's so nice and sweet.  I don't think I've ever heard her gossip, and I've only seen her mad once, and that was after a bad breakup when she was talking about stealing and torching her ex's car.....that she paid for.  

Of course, that's all water under the bridge now.  She's like the always optimistic gal who's incredibly successful, has landed herself a hottie husband that drives for UPS and she's got the cutest little house in the 'burbs.  

Now that I'm writing out all these redeeming qualities, it kind of makes me wonder what she sees in me; maybe I'm her secret alter ego that she just never lets out of the bag.

Anyway.....how's the weekend shaking up?  Last nite, we took the kid to Margarita's for a belated birthday dinner.  Apparently, the boy taking her out to breakfast the morning of her birthday, plus the overnight hotel slumber party with 6 friends, and the 6 weeks of horseback riding we bought for her as a gift weren't enough; can anyone say "spoiled?"  

I tried to explain to her that Margarita's would be incredibly busy on a Friday nite at 7 o'clock, but she'd hear nothing of it.  So we went, and we waited.  And, we were lucky enough to be standing right in front of a couple that had a screaming child.  And they were those parents that wouldn't take the damn kid out of the place.  

We're not talking an occasional scream, we're talking full on, terrorizing type screaming to the point where the father was covering his mouth in a desperate attempt to muffle the ear-drum bursting decibel level.  I'm pretty sure my ears started to bleed a little.

I, being the really nice person I am, wanted to turn around and be like, "If you can't shut that damn kid up I'm going to haul him out of here by his toenails and duct tape him to the top of my car."  Of course, before I could turn around and utter the words, the boy flicked me and said, "Don't even think about it."

Call me crass, but for Christ's sake, when your kid is screaming in a restaurant and you are subjecting countless other victims to the misery that you choose to inflict upon yourself, do everyone a favor and just leave.  Or at least take the kid outside.  Or, give him a drink.  A little peach margarita would have shut him right up.

See, this directly relates back to the Rae friendship; she would have whipped out her Anthropologie apron and pulled some treats out of her magic bag of goodies.  She would have cooed a little, maybe even invented a quick game or two so the kid would be pre-occupied and stop screaming.  She's good like that.  

I, on the other hand, just resented the hell out of the little beast.

Um, so that was our Friday.  Today, I'm working on finishing up my manuscript (still....and yes, I was still working on it last weekend too) and trying to also complete the suitcase that my friend Ms. Sarah (who owns Ms. Lulu's) asked me for about 6 months ago.  She saw Syd's and wanted a little piece of the action for herself.......however, I seem to be having a creative block" primarily because I don't want her to get the suitcase and be like "What the hell is this piece of shit?"

That's it.  I'm going to head back down to the basement and play with some more spray adhesive now.....have a great weekend!!

Memorial Day

For any of you that had a rockstar Memorial Day weekend, I commend you. Whooping it up, drinking lots of fabulous beverages and eating lots of stuff off the grill. I hope you had some for me too.

Our weekend was largely uneventful. An extended play date turned sleep-over turned to another play date gave the boy and I the first date night we've had since I don't know when. Nothing exciting, just Chinese food and the CSI: Miami marathon on Bravo.

Yesterday, I was completely lazy, spending a lot of time working on my book that my publisher is waiting on, plus outlining a second book that I've been contracted for. All the whilst, America's Next Top Model was playing in the background. I love that show almost as much as Hogan Knows Best; crazy eh?

The boy spent his weekend laying sod and generally trying to make our Sanford N Sons yard look a little more like a landscaper lives here. I'm proud to say that it's coming right along. Now, as long as that damn grub infestation doesn't return, we'll be all set.

All right, boring, blah, blah, I know. But that was my smashing holiday weekend - without the smashed part.

Hope you had a great one!