A Mini Van Mom Shows Her Thong

And no, this isn't going to be all x-rated and stuff.

But here's the deal. Last night I spent my evening at the pool, which is the same as almost every other night of the week. But last night, one of the mom's, who is notoriously snobby, and who just happens to drive a mini-van, flashed her thong.

And guess what? It was holey.

Not holy as in religious. Holey as in, her cotton Vicki's Secret thong had holes in it.

Now why do you think that is? We've all been guilty of letting our underwear drawer slide once in a while. Maybe we just don't get around to cleaning it out often enough, or maybe it just creeps up on us and we're like, "Holy Shit! This is holey!" And then we throw it away in disgust.

But this was a holey thong that could not have been mistaken for an acceptable pair of panties. I wouldn't even have noticed except she was wearing ill-fitting jeans that gaped in the back and I had a clear view. And I probably should have told her, maybe not about the obvious holes, but about the fact that she was flashing the masses.

But I didn't. Instead, I sat right there, clucked my tongue and thought, "that's what you get for being such a bitch."

Kind of the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?

E=MC Hungover

As I peeled my eyelids open at 6am and sat up, I was immediately reminded why I very rarely drink anymore. I'm pretty sure that it was because I didn't like the feeling of my brain trying to squeeze it's way out through my eardrums.

So, a half-hour later, I've had two cups of coffee, two Excedrin Migraines, and a bowl of Fiber One with Blueberries. Although, my lame attempts at eating healthy this morning are less about curing my hangover and more about making a sacrifice to the back fat Gods for all the french friends drench in Ranch dressing that I consumed while listening to my NASCAR loving brother talk about protein shakes.

I wonder if I should call him and ask if they cure a hangover.

How did I get in this condition, you might ask? The kid had a sleepover last night, which was supposed to be at our house. But first we needed to pick-up both the friend and her bags. When her mum asked if I wanted a glass of wine, I ponied my fat-ass up to the table and figured why not? It's not often I get social hour with adults anymore and the girls were keeping themselves entertained, so it seemed like a good idea.

Well, 3 glasses + a few splashes of wine later, and I think I managed to make quite an endearing impression; I'm sure that after last night, they'll likely never let their kid come over again. How bad could it be? Well......

• It's possible that I was mildly offensive (I know, completely shocking, right?) regarding both minivans and black leather couches; both of which they own.


• I divulged that one of my someday-sister-in-laws lives in a single-wide across from a state prison with her ex-convict husband and that together they run a concession stand at a rodeo.


• I spoke of my brother and his pimped out minivan with the NASCAR license plates.


• I spoke of my brother who named his kid after a WWF wrestler.


• We chatted about my mother, who has the drunk husband that passes out in the driveway and thinks he's fluent in Chinese.

It really makes you want to invite me over, right now, doesn't it?

Now, today, in my fragile condition, I get to go volunteer at the Spring Fair for the kids' elementary school. The bake table, the checkerboard game, and one other awesomely fun thing. Three whole hours of screaming children all vying for trinkety prizes. I can hardly wait.

Why do I do such a thing? Because I'm the PTO's bitch, that's why.

Godsmacking the Minivan

As I dropped the kid off at school the other day, I pulled up behind a fellow carpool mom and her mini-van. Now, I have issues with minivans; although I am not sure when it started. It could have been any of these particular moments:

1)Halloween, Sophomore Year :: A group of friends and I had borrowed someone's parents minivan. We had splendid ideas of smashing pumpkins - and no, I'm not referencing the band.

I can't even remember what driveway was our target, but I know the back of that van was full of carefully carved pumpkins that we'd spent hours snatching off of people's porches. What I remember vividly was someone careening far too fast around the last corner of the subdivision, and the minivan door flying wildly open; we lost most of our pumpkins. I almost think that the door came completely off the van, but if that were the case, I don't think we could have figured out how to put it back on. As a result, I feel that minivan's might be dangerous.

2) A few years ago, my brother bough a minivan. To hell if I know why. He said something about needing the space, but when you've got one kid and a girlfriend, I can't see how that's really necessary. Even now, with two kids, I can't see the reason. What I do know is that his minivan has tinted window's and a NASCAR license plate; he may even have some sort of loud stereo system in the back. Did I mention he's only 27? As a result, I feel that minivan's give people the license to act retarded.

3) New minivan's come with all sorts of little treats. DVD players, swiveling seats and tables. Minivan's are becoming small versions of motor homes. And if your minivan has all the comforts of home, your kids are going to want to be in it, which means more time driving them around, listening to them argue about stuff. At least at home you can lock yourself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and a good book.

So, it should come as no surprise that I took issue with the soccer mom ahead of me. Who had ever so perfectly placed a "Godsmack" bumper sticker on the top of her back window. Why? Why do that? Godsmack bumper stickers do not belong on the back of minivan's. On a cute little Jetta? Maybe. The 1990 Mazda that the neighbor kid can afford? I'll give you that. The '94 Honda Accord? For sure. But on a Honda MINIVAN? No.

Here's what belongs on minivan's - if you're going to drive them. A PAYSA sticker. A "I'm the proud parent of an honor roll student." A "Hillary 2008" sticker. But Godsmack? Come on! Putting a "Godsmack" bumper sticker on your van is clearly a desperate attempt at being cool with your high school aged child and their friends.

Here's a newsflash: Parents are cool until kids become about 9. Then forget it, you're not cool until they're in their mid-twenties. Unless, of course, you let them smoke pot and drink beer in your basement; then maybe you're cool.


So please, if you're going to insist on driving a minivan, at least acknowledge that you've ventured down a road you can never get off of. Do not try to make your minivan cool. Don't try to make it hip, or young. It's not. Take off the Godsmack sticker and just let your kids cover the windows with Barney stickers instead.