The Weekend Wrap-Up

So yeah, the weekend officially ended like, 5 days ago. And there is a new one starting in approximately 7 hours, but hey, who's counting? And the fact that I'm just getting around to posting about my ever-so-exciting weekend of last, we're all just gonna go with it.

#1. I found shit in my bathroom cabinet. Not like crap that people don't bother putting away - actual HUMAN FECES folks. On toilet paper.

Now, I know my own kid well enough by now to understand that she would not do such a thing. And certainly the boy and I would not do this either. So who exactly wipes their ass and then puts the dirty toilet paper in my bathroom cabinet with my nice Downy-fresh towels? Oh, that might be the neighbor kid across the street who I heard going through my cabinets when she was using the loo the last time she was over. And I know it's her because she's the only other person that's been in our house since then. Hm.

#2. My kid was offered a Playboy. By the same neighbor girl. Who's like, 8. WTF? She came over to our house and was like, "you've got to come over, I've got to show you something." Apparently, she'd been in her parents room and (shockingly!) been pilfering through their private spaces (between the mattress - how original) only to come up with a Playboy which she promptly hid in her own bedroom to show my kid. Lovely.

The first question that I have is, "why is she rifling between her parents mattress?" The second question I have is, "why must I have this knowledge?" I can no longer look out my kitchen window without seeing the man who owns the Playboy and getting visuals that no one should ever have. Short, squat and with a beer belly, he's a man that loves his leaf blower a little too much.

#3. I wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back at the spanking new Wal*Mart Super Center. It's a lot like Meijer's. Which was a little nostalgic for me. Anyway, the Sunday before many kids went back to school, 30 lanes open, every one of them 15 people deep. Who do I end up in line with? The old lady on the motorized scooter with an 18-pack of Ensure, a 24-pack of Busch Light and a value-size pack of Depends. I didn't actually talk to her, but I desperately wanted to take her picture and post it - too bad I couldn't find an excuse to get in front of her and do it.

#4. I realized the boy has no clue what Orange Crush is. Again, I ask, WTF? Sometimes I wonder if his parents kept him locked in a closet when he was little. We attended an outdoor wedding reception this weekend (which was in the middle of "Hurricane Danny") and of course I couldn't drown my sorrows at the open bar, so I opted for an Orange Crush. Dan walks up and asks for one, only to get in an argument with the bartender. When he is handed said can of Crush, he is thoroughly confused because he is thinking an orange slushy-type thing. I promptly edumacated him that it also comes in Strawberry and Grape. Yikes.

#5. I bought a new-to-me-vehicle. Without consulting the boy. Which is exactly what he gets for buying a new truck and plow last fall without consulting me first. I am still sticking out my tongue at him over that one.

So that's my weekend wrap-up. I'm headed north for the weekend to visit the 'rents for a night and then Sunday and Monday I have a wee bit of work to do. I've been bit of a slacker lately and it shows. Have a fun and safe holiday weekend!

Deadbeat Blogger

Wow! Where the hell have I been? I honestly didn't realize that it's been almost two weeks since I posted anything here.

So, what have I been up to? Well, for one, I've got all sorts of friends having babies right now. So, I've been doing my best to generally avoid them and keep to myself. And yes, I'm still pining away for a baby. Ugh. Does this nonsense ever stop? Like, at some point can I just get over it?

The boy thinks the scenario will play out like this: the kid will be 18 and graduating from high school, toting her pink Samsonite luggage across the world. We'll have our shit packed and our tickets to Europe where we'll make a new life. And then, oops. We're cooking a kid.

At which point, I'll be pissed. I will be angry. Really, truly. Mad as hell.

And speaking of ungrateful mothers......I've recently managed to piss of my someday MIL as well. First, I told her that her son had voted Republican in the election. That almost gave her a heart-attack. Then, I told her that I could see the viewpoint of non-dog owners about dogs running off-leash on So. Portland beaches. For that, I got a tongue lashing. Finally, I told her that we couldn't come over for coffee Sunday morning because we had to rake leaves. She lost her shit on the boy for that one.

She must have really focused her universal energy on being angry at us, because this morning, our dogs got into the cat food and promptly went outside to take individual shits on every single pile of leaves that we've raked up, but not yet bagged.

That's what we get for putting moldy leaves over coffee with the boy's mom. The holiday's are going to be an effing blast this year.

Leaf Blower is Shirtless, and It's Not a Pretty Sight

I think the neighbor has decided that he's just going to spend the summer gainfully UNemployed while his wife works two jobs. If I were her, I'd probably kick his ass, but since she spends most of her time in tube socks pulled up to her belly button, her ninja skills might not be as excellent as mine.

Needless to say, with all his spare time, Leaf Blower has spent a lots of days shirtless in his cut-off denims, puttering with his car. Just the other day he was out there repeatedly revving his engine while taking a break from waxing. I really wanted to yell out the window, "Just beat your chest, scratch your balls, and get over it already!"

But the boy wouldn't allow that. See, he's kind of a peace-keeper, one of those "don't piss off the neighbors" kind of people. It's really too bad because I could be having a lot of fun if he'd just let me.

Other than that, things have been relatively quiet around here. Several trips to the back doctor to fix my squished/stuck disks, lots of writing for About, preliminary writing for Upromise, which should be posted in the next two weeks, updates at Fashion-Fox, and the final 25,000 words for my publisher.

Next up? A book about "book marketing in the Web 2.0 world...." Sounds like a real page turner, doesn't it?

Proof That You Can Pick Your Friends But Not Your Neighbors

Did you know that we actually pay $3000 a year in property taxes so I can sit in my kitchen and watch Leaf Blower and No Neck sit shirtless in their driveway drinking lemonade and eating BBQ potato chips?

I didn’t realize that was why our taxes were so high either, until Sunday.  Apparently, when the assessor takes a look at your property, they eyeball the neighbors and say, “Yeah, let’s tack on another $500 for the loose dogs that run around the neighborhood, and that Mullet next door is worth at least a grand.”

If they can get their minivan up on cinder blocks and put a NASCAR flag out front before the next assessment, we might even get jacked up to $3500. Then I'd actually feel a little more at home; it would be like having my brother right next door! (Sorry Shawn, I couldn't resist.)

Had I known then what I know now, I’m not sure that I would have been so eager to purchase this very fine house. 

But, truthfully, I’ve never had much luck with neighbors – which makes me question whether I attract crazy people, or if I am just attracted to them.  Although, the alternative would have been to stay in the apartment building that is now a meth-lab with a landlord that was arrested for kidnapping a prostitute and then assaulting her boyfriend with a handgun;  true Story.

And if I remember right, there was also a restraining order taken out against him by a woman that he claimed was his fiancé who had been kidnapped by a motorcycle gang. I’m pretty sure that he broke in to her home also, so there may have been a charge of B&E on that police complaint, along with the stalking charge.

The neighbors before that were a drunk couple with a special needs child.  I remember the police coming on more than one occasion; the final time because the guy was running up and down the street, shirtless, waving a sword.  Where to you even get a sword?

At any rate, my neighbors have always been nut bags.; I <3>

 

One of my favorite days of the year!

Well my friends, today marks the beginning of the World Over Imports warehouse sale! Goodie, goodie, gumdrops! And just as soon as I drop the kid off at school, I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee and head over there. I'm specifically looking to purchase a papasan chair, which is completely old-school, but I had one in college and I loved to curl up in it and read a good book. I want one for our new bedroom so I can do just that......the disadvantage to having a partially dormered upstairs is not just that we have doorways large enough for only hobbits to walk through them, we also do not have room for a traditional desk set up.....so, I am going to tuck this in under our dormered window and hope that I can use it without a light to read by because the ceiling slants so drastically right there that I don't think a light and table will fit. I also need to stop slacking and get plans made for the kids birthday....she wants a sleepover party at a hotel with a pool. Where does she come up with this stuff???