Funny Things on TV

Amazing things happen when you get up really early in the morning with a needy dog. And for whatever reason, these damn commercials seem to creep up on CNN of all places.

A few weeks ago, I was talking about SugarDaddie.com - the site where the wealthy find love. If you happen to be a wealthy woman, a man can find you by searching for a SugarMomma.

Now, maybe I was the only person under the mistaken impression that, if you employ online dating, it's for the purpose of finding someone you're compatible with. But this site is really like, "to hell with love, admit you're in it for the money." In some respects, I admire their bluntness, but has anyone using that site stopped to think that maybe - just maybe - most people on there are exaggerating their net worth just a bit?

Just a thought.

Then today I see a commercial for OnlineBootyCall.com - why promise marriage when you just want a date? Just click, "find booty" and they'll locate you a match. You can also "invite booty" and "rate booty." On the commercial, they inform hopeful men that, "nice guys finish last."

Ha!

I think this is fabulous for a number of reasons. But, primarily because this is like the lazy daters yellow pages. What ever happened to going to a bar and hooking up? Isn't that what the 20-somethings like to do? Or maybe I'm way out of touch. But really, there's also the online classifieds like Craigslist and the personals section in the local paper. Do you really need to pay a fee to find a piece of ass? And, isn't that kind of like one big prostitution ring?

The icing on the stupid commercials cake came on HLN this morning when they devoted an entire segment to whether or not the Chia Obama is offensive. Turns out the American people are split. Some are concerned about the potential offensive nature of the ceramic bust's afro, while others think that it's simply cute.

Really? Like, wtf? First of all, an entire news segment being devoted to this is ridiculous - especially considering there's wildfires going on, a ship captain being help captive, and a baseball player that was just killed by a suspected drunk driver.

But what made this segment the best was that HLN went to the streets to interview people and get their take on it. How many people do you think they spoke with? 10? 50? They chose two interviewees to put on the news: one white, one black. Can you guess who thought it was cute and who thought it was offensive? Why is this news people? Why???

Argh.

Naturally 7 :: Wall of Sound

I'm completely loving this. Why? Because they use no instruments. Totally worth watching.

I would have embedded it, but YouTube wouldn't let me.

: (

The Cock Shot :: Order Now

All I can say is, clear the room of kids first, watch second.

Thanks Aaron for sending this along....you made my Friday.

Toddlers and Tiaras :: This is NOT a Good Thing

Have you seen this show? TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras?

This show is absolutely disgusting. Unbelievable. Does this look like the face of a happy child?

During the course of the show I watched her mother berate her, force her to get a spray tan, force her to wear makeup, and coach her through an entire routine designed to "flirt."

Here's what else I observed:

Every stage mom is fat - many are bordering on obese. Which makes me question why the eff they have any business telling their daughters that "they look a little pudgy," or asking "if they ate any cookies today." Are you kidding me?

Then we've got the mom who's sobbing - not because her kid won, but because he's just done his last pageant and he won't be competing anymore.

These women are nuts. And not nuts like a little Paxil is going to cure them. These women need some to shake them and be like, "Woman! You're an effing train wreck! Get your shit together you bitch and stop making your pre-pubescent kid more self-conscious than she's already going to grow up to be!"

Then they need to be kicked or something.

Seriously. This is infuriating. As if our poor girls don't have enough to worry about. How about we dress them up like little china dolls, stand in the audience prompting them to shake their asses and "flirt," and then, when they don't win a crown tell them, "well, you didn't deserve to win - your routine was off."

By the way, there is nothing more disgusting than a really obese woman in a tight shirt jumping up and down and coaching her kid to "shake it." I'm all about embracing your body, but you've got to know your limitations - really.

Here's what I actually find funny about this though. These women are willingly on this show, justifying their behavior, and thinking that America actually agrees with them. When all most people are doing is sitting around laughing at what a bunch of effing idiots they are.

But, that's entertainment in America, right?

Oh, and what's really sad? That the little girl at the top of this post is actually a really beautiful little girl - without any makeup. However, due to her mother's great guidance and wonderful example, she was sure she would win because, as she said, "I'm prettier than the other girls here."
Photos Courtesy of TLC.discovery.com

Proof That Anyone Can Have an Online Business

So I was trolling the Internet yesterday trying to find some panda-related goods for the kid and came across this store. In it, they are selling the knitting pattern for this sweater, which I find disturbing for several reasons. Not only is it heinously ugly, it's advertised as a women's sweater.

Do you know any woman that would wear this? If you do, it's your duty to advise them that this is clearly unacceptable.

In other socially unacceptable-related news, I got up extra early this morning to spend a few minutes with the boy before he headed out the door and I was mindlessly flipping through channels when I came across the MTV television show, "Date My Mom."

What a fucking train wreck that show is. Have you seen it? If not, you can watch previous episodes online.

If you think your life is ef'd, you'll feel much better after watching this show, which has mom's dating a mid-twenties guy, trying to sell their daughters. Then, at the end of the show, the mom's line up and the guy tells them which daughter he wants to date. Most often, when he does NOT choose their daughter, mom has some beautiful thing to say like, "So and so, you such a f**king idiot. My daughter's too good for you."

Yes, I'm sure she is. Wait for it.......

Then the daughter comes out and has her say. This morning included a girl that actually bent over and farted in the guy's direction.

Now, that's quality TV.

Martha Effing Stewart

That's right b-yotch. I played Martha Stewart today. So at my house, what does that look like? A little something like this.

But instead of all sorts of boxes of Christmas goodies, today it was just lots of chocolate chip cookies and two loaves of homemade bread, courtesy of my step-mommas bread recipe. By the way, it's yummy. And if I get her permission, I might just put it up here.

Anywho, I do have a complaint about my chocolate chip cookies though. The recipe says that it will make 26 5-inch cookies, but somehow, I only make about 18 per batch. Which means that one of three things happened:

• I ate 8 cookies worth of raw cookie dough.
• Martha Stewart is a liar.
• I made 10-inch cookies.

I'm here to tell you that it was not option 2 or 3.

Hip Hop Grannies

I don't know how many of you have the luxury of sitting in your bathrobe, laptop on lap, watching the Today Show in the morning, but that pretty much sums up my life on most mornings. That's truly what I love about the freelance writer's life. Don't get me wrong, I work hard, but I also get some unadvertised perks.

Anyway, while watching the Today Show this morning, I caught this segment on Hip Hop Grannies in China. And of course, I had to share it with everyone else - just in case you actually had to go in to the office today.

My Kid Loves Kmart

A while ago, over at Saving with Style, I talked about how Kmart was decidedly, very uncool when I was a kid. Now, my own child, can't wait to go shopping there for school clothes. Here's a recent conversation that happened in the car between her and a friend.

Friend: I'm going back to school shopping with my aunt. She's really rich and I can buy anything I want.

Syd: Yeah, I'm going to a bunch of stores too. Oh my gosh! And guess what?!? I get to go to.....Kmart (with an audible sigh and a wistful look out the window).......

I don't even know how she discovered Kmart. Oh, wait, yes I do. On television. Their new advertising campaign is right up her alley. For me, the silver lining in this strangeness is that, we'll go to L/A (um, yeah, that's local lingo for Lewiston-Auburn....a place almost as cool as Sanford) and I'll hit up Steve and Barry's for a little sample of Bitten.

Now that, my friends, I can barely wait for.

Sanford Strikes Again

OK, the irony of this post will hopefully not be lost on anyone. In fact, I really don't need to say anything; just click here and read the story. If you want a better look, watch the video.

Oh, and a quick shout out to KLJ....email me chickie, or call me.....let's knit!! I think my emails are not making it to you.....

Memorial Day

For any of you that had a rockstar Memorial Day weekend, I commend you. Whooping it up, drinking lots of fabulous beverages and eating lots of stuff off the grill. I hope you had some for me too.

Our weekend was largely uneventful. An extended play date turned sleep-over turned to another play date gave the boy and I the first date night we've had since I don't know when. Nothing exciting, just Chinese food and the CSI: Miami marathon on Bravo.

Yesterday, I was completely lazy, spending a lot of time working on my book that my publisher is waiting on, plus outlining a second book that I've been contracted for. All the whilst, America's Next Top Model was playing in the background. I love that show almost as much as Hogan Knows Best; crazy eh?

The boy spent his weekend laying sod and generally trying to make our Sanford N Sons yard look a little more like a landscaper lives here. I'm proud to say that it's coming right along. Now, as long as that damn grub infestation doesn't return, we'll be all set.

All right, boring, blah, blah, I know. But that was my smashing holiday weekend - without the smashed part.

Hope you had a great one!

The Return of The Boy Bands

I've spent the majority of my week, laying on the couch, alternating ice packs and heating pads, with a remote and my laptop. Attempting to work on work, but working the trashy t.v. a hell of a lot harder.

So, what's newsworthy from my couch? Not a whole lot. But I did hear an interesting concert announcement today: The Backstreet Boys are coming to New Hampshire.

Now, my initial reaction was to actually laugh out loud, like, "Ha, Ha." Because of course, that Backstreet Boys coming to town is a joke. But no, indeed, it's not. Like, didn't the Backstreet Boys go out of style when I was in high school? No, wait, that was the New Kids On the Block. The Backstreet Boys were never even popular.

But here they sit, looking quite 2008. Strangely, I want to go to the concert, just to see who shows up.

Ok, I was going to end the post right there, but I decided to go to YouTube to link back to a New Kids on the Block video from back in the day, just for old times sake. Image my WTF face when I discovered this:



Seriously, what the hell is going on? Is this the mid-life crisis of the washed-up boy bands? What's next? Nick Lachey and 98 Degrees? Christ.

Clean Sweep

It is a snowy Saturday morning here on the East Coast. While the boy is out plowing, I'm trying to get my About.com site ready to go live, and flipping through the channels - realizing quickly that there is absolutely nothing on Saturday mornings.

Anyway, I landed on TLC and started watching Clean Sweep - that show where they basically put you on national television and tell you that you're a filthy pig.

Typically, this show isn't so bad, but today they're clean sweeping a family in the MidWest. They're probably in Michigan. The reason I say that is because a) they live in a subdivision with no visible trees, b) the woman is a bleached blond and wearing too much foundation, c) she has made the unfortunate decision to get inked with the face of Hello Kitty, and d) she's named LaShondra VanderSomething.

Yes, you heard me, she has a Hello Kitty tattoo. What's better, she's wearing black stretch pants and a red, sequined Hello Kitty t-shirt.

On this show, they make you sell your stuff as part of the clean-out. As a participant, you get to compete to keep your favorite item that's in the trash pile. LaShondra VanderSomething's choice? A Hello Kitty Toaster.

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