Holidays + My Family = Sheer Delight

I've often wondered if my grandmother is ever going to get over the fact that myself and my someday spouse are living a life of sin. I found out this weekend, that, clearly, she is not in a forgiving type of mood.

Now, I've talked about this before and I thought that by now, she'd be over it - at least a little bit. But, alas, I was wrong. But never has she been so blatant about it. Imagine my surprise when I walked in to the living room to find a family picture or myself, my ex, and our daughter proudly displayed on her mantle. ha! She really is quite funny.

So, while my grandfather is calling the someday spouse my "husband," my grandmother is trying desperately to point out the fact that we are NOT married. Therefore, he is NOT my husband. Until grampa finally had enough, and for the first time ever, stood up and said, "For God's sake Emaline, that is enough already! Where the hell is the pie?"

I love the holiday's.

Dane Cook :: Rough Around The Edges

Well, last night took us to Boston to see this guy. They just make 'em better in Boston, don't they? I have to argue that, geographically, the boys on the East Coast are just deeee-freakin-licious. Period.

Anyway, the boy and I had a little date nite and laughed our asses off....not only is Dane Cook one of the funniest people around, he is also a marketing genius. He has literally used the internet to fuel a following that has become an epidemic. Not only is he everywhere, and selling himself like crazy, he has used viral marketing to his advantage in a way that few others have. It's absolutely amazing. Anyway, so with that, I'll close. I just had to say that he rocked the Garden last nite, plain and simple. Although, I'm pretty sure the 10:30 show got a little more play than those of us that hit up the 7:00 one.....which makes me a little sad because I can never get tired of seeing this adorable face. Oh, and here's a little clip from one of my favorite parts of the nite - although this was filmed elsewhere.

Oh, small disclaimer here :: his language is definitely not safe for work or kids, so keep that in mind. Find a dark closet or something and listen to this....you'll be laughing your ass off too......

Religion Defined

Each week, the kid comes home with spelling words; each week, her friend that goes to Catholic school gets them too. This week, they had one word that was the same: religion.

Each have the same task - they make flash cards with the word and definition. Here's what they came up with.

Our kid: practicing your religious beliefs or believing in something bigger than you.

Her Catholic friend: being a good Catholic and going to Mass ever day and worshiping God.

Huh.

A House Is a Funny Thing

After three days of raking leaves and bagging leaves and then raking more leaves, I am almost certain that, had we looked at our house during the fall season, we would never have actually purchased it.

It looks innocent enough, doesn't it? And on the sell sheet, it looked really quite impressive. A third of an acre? Really? And right in town? That's fan-tab-u-lous!

And really, the thought of spending summer days on the deck with the shade of the trees was really quite appealing.

Until I had to rake a third of an acre. After that, it really lost its charm.

PC'ing the World One Hispanic Bean At a Time

So, for any of you that know me, you know that I'm a pretty liberal, embrace the politically correct things of the world, hold hands and skip in circles with daisies in our hair while holding hands, kind of gal. But really, even I have my limits. And here is one of them.

Trick or Treating Rules to Live By

As a new homeowner, it was the first Halloween that I've actually had to go buy candy for the demons (and Playboy bunnies) that would walk (or be driven) through our neighborhood......you see where this is going already, don't you? Standing at the grocery store with about 50 other last minute shoppers, I realized a few things:

• Halloween Candy is a complete rip-off
• I now understand why some of the candy I got as a kid was stale; buying a year ahead when it's all clearanced out it the better deal
  
• There is no possible way to gauge how much you really need
• It's really no wonder that Americans are fat
• I struggled with whether to buy both good candy and peanut-free candy, for those with peanut allergies which frustrated me because then I thought "wow, I'm really over thinking this"
• The more candy in the bowl, the more the fat, greedy, not-so-little kids will take

Ok, obviously I'm slightly disenchanted with our first "handing out candy" experience. As I dropped the kid off at her "trick-or-treat" date with her friend, I slowly drove back across town and noticed some very profound things; these led me to create the following rules to live by. If you're a parent, read them; if you have a kid that I may be talking about, make them read too.

1. If you do not wear a costume, do not come to our door - in fact, do not go out at all. It is a disservice to all the other parents and kids who spend hours trying to look perfectly scary.
2. If you cannot walk through a neighborhood to score some candy, don't bother coming. You are too lazy to deserve candy.
   
3. If you are not going to say "Trick-or-Treat" or "Happy Halloween" or "Thank You" or even just utter "BOO!" do not ring my bell. I am giving you something you want, humor me.
4. If you are old enough to wear a Playboy Bunny t-shirt, short-shorts and pink bunny ears, you are TOO DAMN OLD to be trick-or-treating. Plus, the only people looking favorably at your little "whore in white hooker boots" outfit are the dads.....and that's just plain creepy.
5. Show up with something more creative than a plastic shopping bag for your candy; even a pillowcase is fine.
6. Take a maximum of two pieces - grabbing a handful of candy is really not cool, and, really, it's only the fat kids in short-shorts doing it, but it happened a lot so it's worth mentioning.
   
7. If you are a parent of a smaller child and you see them grab a handful of candy, remind them that two pieces is enough. If you don't, I will; and I don't like being the bitchy lady in the corner house.

Umm, yeah, I think that just about covers it. Can you tell I was slightly irritated? I'm thinking next year I might just stand inside and open the screen.....throw the candy right out the window and watch them all fight over it on the front lawn.