Trick or Treating Rules to Live By

As a new homeowner, it was the first Halloween that I've actually had to go buy candy for the demons (and Playboy bunnies) that would walk (or be driven) through our neighborhood......you see where this is going already, don't you? Standing at the grocery store with about 50 other last minute shoppers, I realized a few things:

• Halloween Candy is a complete rip-off
• I now understand why some of the candy I got as a kid was stale; buying a year ahead when it's all clearanced out it the better deal
  
• There is no possible way to gauge how much you really need
• It's really no wonder that Americans are fat
• I struggled with whether to buy both good candy and peanut-free candy, for those with peanut allergies which frustrated me because then I thought "wow, I'm really over thinking this"
• The more candy in the bowl, the more the fat, greedy, not-so-little kids will take

Ok, obviously I'm slightly disenchanted with our first "handing out candy" experience. As I dropped the kid off at her "trick-or-treat" date with her friend, I slowly drove back across town and noticed some very profound things; these led me to create the following rules to live by. If you're a parent, read them; if you have a kid that I may be talking about, make them read too.

1. If you do not wear a costume, do not come to our door - in fact, do not go out at all. It is a disservice to all the other parents and kids who spend hours trying to look perfectly scary.
2. If you cannot walk through a neighborhood to score some candy, don't bother coming. You are too lazy to deserve candy.
   
3. If you are not going to say "Trick-or-Treat" or "Happy Halloween" or "Thank You" or even just utter "BOO!" do not ring my bell. I am giving you something you want, humor me.
4. If you are old enough to wear a Playboy Bunny t-shirt, short-shorts and pink bunny ears, you are TOO DAMN OLD to be trick-or-treating. Plus, the only people looking favorably at your little "whore in white hooker boots" outfit are the dads.....and that's just plain creepy.
5. Show up with something more creative than a plastic shopping bag for your candy; even a pillowcase is fine.
6. Take a maximum of two pieces - grabbing a handful of candy is really not cool, and, really, it's only the fat kids in short-shorts doing it, but it happened a lot so it's worth mentioning.
   
7. If you are a parent of a smaller child and you see them grab a handful of candy, remind them that two pieces is enough. If you don't, I will; and I don't like being the bitchy lady in the corner house.

Umm, yeah, I think that just about covers it. Can you tell I was slightly irritated? I'm thinking next year I might just stand inside and open the screen.....throw the candy right out the window and watch them all fight over it on the front lawn.