Tom Cruise and Tropic Thunder

Have you seen it yet?

I just watched it last night. I love Ben Stiller, find Jack Black to be hysterical, and have a mad crazy crush on Robert Downey Jr. so it was a natural pick for me. While I thought the movie started out a little slow and not so piss-your-pants-laughing funny, it quickly turned for the good.

So loudly was I laughing that the kid came downstairs and asked me to keep it down because I was embarrassing her in front of her friend.

It was that funny.

However, the highlight of the movie came during the closing credits. Tom Cruise plays Les Grossman, a sleazy producer, and is nearly unrecognizable in the part. Partially bald, lots of extra chest hair, and over-sized glasses truly transformed him into Hugh Hefner's fat younger brother. If you haven't seen the movie, you need to. But in the meantime, you can take a break and laugh your ass of watching this video. Happy Holidays from me to you.





Photo courtesy of britfilms.tv

My Whiney Ass Can't Stop Complaining.

I got this really hair-brained idea lately that I should start keeping a gratitude journal. Nothing fancy, just a few notes every morning about the things in my life that I'm grateful for. The purpose of the exercise was to try and pep me up. Make me a happy gal. Get me out of my funk.

Now, maybe I'm a little sick and twisted, but the shit I'm thankful for is really pretty lame. And when I'm writing down the teeny little stuff that I'm thankful for (that the boy shoveled the driveway before he left for work), I'm thinking about all the really big shit that I'm pissed about (that he waited until the last possible second to try to buy the shoes I asked him for as a Christmas gift and now he can't find them so I'll be the only person at home without anything to open). I realize in the grand scheme of things that this last sentence makes me a) incredibly shallow and b) sound really dumb for complaining about shoes when there's all sorts of people starving in the world.

But here's the deal. I'm not so much pissed about the fact that I won't have a gift under the tree to open, I'm more pissed about the fact that he waits until the last possible minute to do anything. Therefore, most of everything falls in my lap. I'm finding it difficult to turn that into something I'm grateful for in my little gratitude journal.

Other things I'm not grateful for :: all this effing snow, the fact that infertility testing involves the boy sperminating (Sarah's word) in a plastic cup which he's mad at me about, that tomorrow will probably be a snow day which means I'll spend the whole day explaining that "no I can't entertain you right now because I have work to do," to a child that just doesn't get that the world does not revolve around her 24/7. I'm not grateful that it's so effing cold, nor am I grateful for the fact that our firewood supplier screwed us out of 2 cords and $400; I hope he has a shitty holiday. Oh, and I'm also really not grateful that I totally lack willpower and I inhaled almost an entire 9x9 pan of brownies today - for breakfast.

So, what am I grateful for? I'm grateful for my job - I love the fact that I get paid to sit home and write every single day. I'm grateful that I had most of my holiday shopping done way ahead of time and that I have a snowblower and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm grateful that my daughter gave up her crusade to keep us from running the dishwasher because I couldn't take one more sinkful of dirty dishes. And mostly, I'm grateful for the fact that even though it's really effing cold out, it's pretty darn purty looking.

Ok, so I'm not a total grinch. And now I'm going to sign off, go put my feet up by the fire, knit some more, drink a big fat glass of Pinot, and finish watching The Wizard of Oz with the kid.

Happy Holidays!

Proof That Anyone Can Have an Online Business

So I was trolling the Internet yesterday trying to find some panda-related goods for the kid and came across this store. In it, they are selling the knitting pattern for this sweater, which I find disturbing for several reasons. Not only is it heinously ugly, it's advertised as a women's sweater.

Do you know any woman that would wear this? If you do, it's your duty to advise them that this is clearly unacceptable.

In other socially unacceptable-related news, I got up extra early this morning to spend a few minutes with the boy before he headed out the door and I was mindlessly flipping through channels when I came across the MTV television show, "Date My Mom."

What a fucking train wreck that show is. Have you seen it? If not, you can watch previous episodes online.

If you think your life is ef'd, you'll feel much better after watching this show, which has mom's dating a mid-twenties guy, trying to sell their daughters. Then, at the end of the show, the mom's line up and the guy tells them which daughter he wants to date. Most often, when he does NOT choose their daughter, mom has some beautiful thing to say like, "So and so, you such a f**king idiot. My daughter's too good for you."

Yes, I'm sure she is. Wait for it.......

Then the daughter comes out and has her say. This morning included a girl that actually bent over and farted in the guy's direction.

Now, that's quality TV.

Guitar Hero Corrupted Me

One thing I love most about the boy is his predictability in most situations. For example, you can count on the fact that if the cat is crying to get fed in the morning, he'll tell her to shut-up on his way to the coffee pot, instead of just feeding her.

Or, if he comes home from work and he's grouchy, you can make fun of him and he'll actually laugh at how stupid he's acting. You can always count on the fact that he will not take the initiative to plan a romantic weekend away, or even get his mom to babysit so we can go to a movie.

Now, he wasn't always this way. He used to be highly unpredictable, which drove me kind of crazy, and there were many arguments about his erratic moods, so in some respects I only have myself to blame for the way he is now; he has become predictable as a defense mechanism.

So imagine my surprise yesterday, when he called me at 11:30 to see if he could take me out to lunch.

Typically, this would thrill me. A mid-week, mid-day date. However, when he called, I was still in my pink polka-dot pajamas, UGGS, and winter hat that I had done car pool in 3 hours earlier. Why was I not showered or dressed?

Um, I was playing Guitar Hero.

Yes, it's true. When he called I was actually working, but for the 2 hours before that, I had been a bona fide rock star. Strumming the notes of Joan Jet, Blink 182, and No Doubt while the dogs howled and barked like a perfect audience.

So, did I fess up? Hell no. I had 20 minutes to get presentable. I absolutely ran through this house, shedding pajamas, kicking off UGGS, and throwing on the first clothes I could find that weren't wrinkled. Which were not necessarily the cutest clothes I own, but they were acceptable.

By the time he pulled in to the driveway, I was not showered, but dressed, with my teeth brushed and make-up on. He even commented on how cute I looked. And of course, I pecked him on the cheek and said, "why thanks honey, you're looking pretty dapper yourself."

He was none the wiser and I didn't have to admit that I had wasted my morning playing a video game. It was the perfect beginning to a perfectly unpredictable mid-day lunch date.

I Seem To Disappear A Lot Lately.

But I promise that I've had a majorly good excuse. Really.

First, I had to get ready for Thanksgiving with my grandparents - you know, the now 86-year-old grandmother who calls me a whore and questions how I raise my daughter every time she sees me? Oh yeah, that one. In anticipation, I decided to cook a little side-dish as sort of a, "look at me grammie, really, I'm a grown-up. I even cook." I made my friend Jessica's Spelt and Roasted Squash Salad, which was really effing yummy; you should totally try it.

Dinner at gram's ended up being quite pleasant - no name calling - and after 6 years, she's finally taken down the family portrait of my ex-husband, the kid, and I. Wow. Could we be moving on? That's all I want for Christmas......

After dinner, the kid decided to stay with my parents for the long weekend. As an added bonus, the boy was working 12 hour days. Are you adding this up? I ended up having so much alone time I wasn't sure what to do with myself. My intent was to work - which I did. Putting together holiday looks for baby boys, gift guides for baby boys and girls under $15 and $25 dollars, moderating forums, and pulling together gift guides for highly fashionable adults too. But all that only took me like, one day. I still had a lot of time to fill. So, what did I do?

• Trolled Facebook and surprisingly found my friend KLJ. Since her work email seems to hate me and I can't get messages about knitting to her that way, I'm hoping we can chat via Facebook now and set up dates that way. Hint, hint KLJ....log in to FB.
  
• I tracked down the man whom we purchased firewood from - who cheated us out of 1.5 cords, and asked when we would see the rest of our wood. He hung up on me so I called the police and was told I needed to sue him in Civil Court. Great.
• I played Guitar Hero - a lot.
• I ate 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked FroYo.
• I did NOT go shopping - except online.
• I watched a ton of television - HGTV, TLC, Lifetime......
• I knitted a new pair of fingerless gloves.
• I cleaned my house.

I was so productive I can barely stand it. And when the kid came home on Sunday afternoon, I felt so refreshed, it was like I was a new person. I'm not going to lie, I now understand how important it is to take a time-out and that will be my New Year's Resolution; taking time for me.

In other unrelated news, Prevention Magazine has asked me to participate in their Flat Belly Diet program for 32 days and blog about it for their online community. I think it's with like 49 other women. Do you think they're trying to tell me something??

Anyway, on to a diet, a lawsuit, and more gift guides.....I promise I won't disappear for another 2 weeks this time.....