I'm headed for a nervous breakdown

in 5.....4......3......2......1......poof! My head just exploded.

You know, it's not bad enough that there are only 2 1/2 days of school left - 2 1/2 days of blissfully peaceful, uninterrupted work time.....it also has to be 2 1/2 days of Hell on Brookview Terrace. I used to wonder why teachers got the summers off, after all, the rest of us work 52 weeks a year. But then, I met my daughter, and I now know why they get this time off. Because if they didn't, there would likely be no teachers left because they would all be in jail for malicious criminal deeds against children such as mine.

The homework request was simple enough: finish reading Helen Keller. End. Dot. Period. So, I sent the kid to her room to do said reading assignment and told her I would be quizzing her at the end, so don't cheat. 40 minutes later she comes down to let me know that, indeed, she is finished with the 6 chapters she was assigned. I quiz her, she fails. I send her back up and tell her to re-read it. 20 minutes later, she comes back to say she's done. I quiz her, and surprise, surprise, she fails again. Why do I do such things you ask? Because I like to make my own life miserable.

After much eye rolling and huffing, she tells me that they actually read the whole book at school and she was upstairs reading a different book - bullshit. I called her on that one, knowing full well that if they had read the whole thing, she would have used that as a reason to not do her reading tonite. So, try again kid. This time, she just starts crying. How do they do that. It just starts.....it's like they crinkle up their little faces, sniffle a bit, and then the tears just naturally come. Are we all born like this? And at what point do we lose the ability to cry on demand? Someone needs to figure that secret out and bottle it - it's worth millions!! Anyway, I finally told her that tomorrow, I will take her to school and she will need to tell her teacher that she lied about doing her homework.....that really got her going. So loud did she scream that I honestly thought the neighbors would call the cops and file a noise complaint. Then she asks in her screechy pre-tween voice "Why can't you ever just let it go? I am going to get held back in the 2nd grade and it's going to be all your fault!" I actually laughed out loud at that, really, really loud. My fault you say? And how can that be? Let me count thy ways:

1. I can never let anything go.
2. I always quiz her.
3. I'm really, really mean.
4. I always have to tell on her to the teacher.

Does anyone known of a postage paid return program for children? I think I might need one of those envelopes.......

Busy, busy weekend

Agh! I'm so glad that the weekend is over. This was the weekend of the kid's sleepover at the hotel, which turned in to "just a sleepover with one friend on the condition that we have a big BBQ with all my friends in a few weeks that should include a slip-n-slide and lots of water balloons, please and thank you very much." So, I thought I was in the clear....silly me. After 8 hours of digging out flower beds and re-planting all kinds of shit in the yard - which was clearly neglected by the previous owners of this abode - I went to pick up the kid's one true BFF. Syd chose to see the latest Pirates of the Carribean, which wasn't that great, and her friend, bored to tears, fell asleep on my arm.....for the last two hours of the movie. Needless to say, driving a manual transmission home with a prickly arm at 11 o'clock at night, was challenging. Then it was fighting over the sleeping situation when we got home, until I lost my shit and went all 'mommy dearest' on both of them. This morning, it was a fight over where to go for breakfast. BFF wanted to go to the breakfast buffet at the Marriot.....what?!? And the kid chose a local greasy spoon, which we go to all the time. My budget was the tie-breaker and we headed for the greasy spoon. Then today was more yard work with a little bit of actual writing work thrown in, just for good measure. The series finale of The Sopranos will cap off the nite and then it's back to the regular grind tomorrow.

How was your weekend?

This is what I'm dealing with here

Apparently, June 22nd marks National Bring Your Pet to Work Day.......I'm wondering if this qualifies me?? In all seriousness, truly, this is what every day brings for me. The cat perches herself right in the middle of my computer, as if she doesn't get enough attention. And try as I might to move her, she just repositions herself the minute I stop petting her. The dog, whom I didn't get a picture of, sits impatiently next to me, nudging me with her nose until I take one hand off the cat and give her some love too. If the cat repositions to my lap, the dog nudges the cat in the ass to push her off; it's like working alongside two small children. Having a pet in the workplace has statistically shown increased productivity in the little worker-bees; I however must disagree. If your animals are as needy as mine, you're not getting squat done.

As an aside, please, no comments about the insanely messy state of my desk. It needs to be cleaned - desperately. In fact, yesterday, I convinced myself that if I just took the whole day to rearrange it and sort thru files, I would be brilliantly inspired and creative again. In actuality, I was looking for a way to procrastinate on what really needed to be done - go figure. So I'm off, to do what needs to be done - wish me luck!

Saving the World

I do what I can when it comes to saving the world. However, I don't do nearly as much as some others. One small and simple step I took was to subscribe to this daily tip email newsletter at ideal bite which has been fantastic because every single day, I get these great little tips in my inbox. And they're useful and easy, which is a nice bonus. A few weeks ago, it was simple ways to reduce your carbon footprint, which by the way, even though I do most of our dishes by hand and turn off lights when not in use, etc, etc, I was amazed at how much energy we were still wasting; I tried their tip about plugging everything into a power strip and then shutting off the entire strip when you leave the room.....cut my energy bill folks!! Today though was an exceptionally exciting newsletter, and I'm sure some of you will agree; it was all about online swaps. I know for a fact that many of you are swappy little fiends, just like me, so here are the places ideal bite recommends - have fun!!

bookcrossing: leave your used books in designated public places and register said book on their website - they will send out an email alert for others to go find it. If you don't want to register it, just start leaving your used books in public places for other to find anyway.

freecycle: want it? look for it. don't want it? post it for someone else to take off your hands. there are lots of local members in lots of different towns, so check out this site, click on 'groups in your local area' and join a few to find new treasures for no monies!!!

swapagift: ever get gift cards you will never use? post them here and get some cash.

lendlist: this is a great place if you need to borrow something, or you have something you don't mind lending.

zunafish: cd's, books, dvd's and video games for $1/trade? count me in!

Your next stop, ideal bite - sign up for their newsletter.....I pinkie-promise you won't be disappointed!!!

Stupid Song Lyrics

I'm not sure how many of you out there listen to what is playing on the Top 40 stations right now, but as we made a 16 hour drive yesterday to get home, we listened to a lot of XM, primarily because you couldn't get any other stations to come in. So, between CNN Newsroom and Disney Radio, the kid and I flipped thru some other stations and I really listened to what some of these lyrics are. Some fine examples of what is popular right now.

Mims with "I'm hot coz I'm fly, you ain't coz you not.....this is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot." and the ever popular Fergi with ".....up in the gym just workin' on my fitness......" I mean, if you really think about this, you can actually just throw these in to every day life.

"Hey honey, where ya been?"
"Oh, up in the gym just workin' on my fitness."

How does this music sell? And what's worse is that the 8-year-old kid knows ALL the lyrics. And LIKES them!!! For a child who used to ask to listen to Simon and Garfunkle, this is both depressing and disturbing to me. Am I getting that old where I've become a crankity old woman who can't stand the mainstream? Or has music just gotten really bad?

If you've got bad lyrics, send them my way. I think I'm going to build a whole library of them so I can just randomly throw them in to converstations once in a while, you know, just to keep it fun.

I don't heart NY.

There, I said it. I might even make a t-shirt that says it too. I really don't heart NY, well, at least the thruway portion. While I was making the 5 hour trek across that state, I got popped for driving while chatter boxing on my cell phone. Yes, silly me, I left that ear piece thing at home and I refuse to purchase a Bluetooth thing because I think they look completely ridiculous. Plus, only really important people should be sporting those things, people like Secret Service guys. What's I'm unsure of is if I actually got the ticket because I was talking on my cell phone while I was driving or if the cop gave it to me because I had the audacity to question why it was a)not posted anywhere along the 271 miles of the thruway that I drove and b)perfectly legal for drivers to be texting and checking the email on their Blackberry's while flying past me, clearly exceeding the posted speed limit. After all, I didn't see them getting pulled over.

I was informed, not so nicely, that it is posted along the thruway, on one little sign right as you enter the state and that yes, the only illegal thing to do with your cell phone while driving was talk on it, and if I think the law should be changed I should probably contact a legislator. Hmph. I was also politely asked why I did not choose the handsfree option and just chat that way - I wanted to tell him that if he wanted me to change the way I talked on my cell phone, maybe he should just buy me a new one that had a better handsfree option; however, I bit my tounge and shut my mouth. Probably a good idea since I had the kid in the car with me and she was already worried that I was getting arrested.

Alas, I will not follow the advice of a friend and avoid paying the ticket. Little Miss Me does not need an active warrant, no matter what state it falls in. As a Criminal Justice major, I would carry a bit of guilt with me over that one. Although as luck would have it, I, like so many before me, appear to be doing everything I can to avoid using said degree; instead I am actively pursuing freelancing on a full-time basis - as a writer no less. A few grant proposals for a few non-profits, some writing about a new summer television show and working with my new favorite friend, Aaron, on his little newspaper, The North Iowa Buzz. How exciting!

Starbuck's Whore

It's true. I believe the first step in recovery is to admit that you actually have a problem. I'm guessing that shelling out $5.00 for a cup of coffee that I can probably make at home qualifies me. A new Starbuck's drive-thru opened not far from my house while I was gone on vacation, much to the dismay of my beloved mate. I allow myself a very small stipen each week for spending money, which I'm pretty sure is not going to cover 5 days a week of a $4.07 venti non-fat, no-whip cafe mocha. Maybe I should get a job at Starbucks.....I mean really, you probably get free coffee. So, not only would I be making money I would also be recovering $20.35 each week in spent funds; I'm not sure how that would play out in my 12-step Starbucks program though. It's amazing how women can justify anything, isn't it?