I'm headed for a nervous breakdown

in 5.....4......3......2......1......poof! My head just exploded.

You know, it's not bad enough that there are only 2 1/2 days of school left - 2 1/2 days of blissfully peaceful, uninterrupted work time.....it also has to be 2 1/2 days of Hell on Brookview Terrace. I used to wonder why teachers got the summers off, after all, the rest of us work 52 weeks a year. But then, I met my daughter, and I now know why they get this time off. Because if they didn't, there would likely be no teachers left because they would all be in jail for malicious criminal deeds against children such as mine.

The homework request was simple enough: finish reading Helen Keller. End. Dot. Period. So, I sent the kid to her room to do said reading assignment and told her I would be quizzing her at the end, so don't cheat. 40 minutes later she comes down to let me know that, indeed, she is finished with the 6 chapters she was assigned. I quiz her, she fails. I send her back up and tell her to re-read it. 20 minutes later, she comes back to say she's done. I quiz her, and surprise, surprise, she fails again. Why do I do such things you ask? Because I like to make my own life miserable.

After much eye rolling and huffing, she tells me that they actually read the whole book at school and she was upstairs reading a different book - bullshit. I called her on that one, knowing full well that if they had read the whole thing, she would have used that as a reason to not do her reading tonite. So, try again kid. This time, she just starts crying. How do they do that. It just starts.....it's like they crinkle up their little faces, sniffle a bit, and then the tears just naturally come. Are we all born like this? And at what point do we lose the ability to cry on demand? Someone needs to figure that secret out and bottle it - it's worth millions!! Anyway, I finally told her that tomorrow, I will take her to school and she will need to tell her teacher that she lied about doing her homework.....that really got her going. So loud did she scream that I honestly thought the neighbors would call the cops and file a noise complaint. Then she asks in her screechy pre-tween voice "Why can't you ever just let it go? I am going to get held back in the 2nd grade and it's going to be all your fault!" I actually laughed out loud at that, really, really loud. My fault you say? And how can that be? Let me count thy ways:

1. I can never let anything go.
2. I always quiz her.
3. I'm really, really mean.
4. I always have to tell on her to the teacher.

Does anyone known of a postage paid return program for children? I think I might need one of those envelopes.......