Internet Poker at Panera

As any of you that read my blog on a regular basis know, I love to sit at Panera and do what I need to get done. Not only does it provide a change of scenery from my own house where I seem to spend a lot of time, it also provides me with endless hours of entertainment.

Tonite for example, I'm at Panera. Innocently enough, I am trying to study for my Spanish class. I choose a table in the far back corner, tucked away from everyone, fully anticipating the first sip of my Caffe Mocha and a few hours of uninterrupted study time. After spending nearly 10 years in college, I should know that the library would be a better choice.

I was not here more than 10 minutes when two couples with two small babies arrived....and promptly set up camp right next to me. No, I don't mean, like a few tables over. I mean, the entire restaurant was empty and they actually moved my laptop bag to sit down. Ugh. To make matters entirely worse, they were here, on vacation from somewhere in the deep south and one clearly has an internet gambling problem.

As their babies (whose names are Journey and Star) are screaming, the two women are casually eating their dinner while one bitches that she just had to transfer $600 out of her checking account to cover her husbands gambling debt. "I told him he needs to quit doing that...."

Here's an idea - don't take him somewhere that has free internet access and then allow him to bring his laptop to dinner. And, while you're at it, change tables and feed your goddamn screaming kid who is clearly hungry and wants his bottle back that he threw on the floor.

For whatever reason, the southern gentleman lost his connection to his poker game and has spent the last 5 minutes complaining to the management here at Panera that their internet connection sucked. Geez....I never lost my connection. Maybe the poker people kicked you off because you owe them money????

As his wife tries to pacify him by telling him she'll call the people tomorrow and straighten it out, I fight my overwhelming urge to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Look sweetheart, cash in now while you've still got the trailer and the cinder blocks it's sittin' on."

Anyway, I must get back to studying my espanol....even though after 4 weeks, I still don't understand a damn word except Hola.

Enjoy the Silence

Do you hear that? You don't? I do. It's complete and total silence, and it's playing at my house.....

That's right. Just two days ago, we dropped the kid off at Logan International Airport on a direct flight to ATL. Although the actual dropping off was excruciatingly early and I hadn't even had a cup of coffee before getting in to an argument with a Delta ticket lady, it went relatively easy. Yes, there were tears shed....I mean, this was a big step. Eight years old and on a great big plane with no one to control her except a flight attendant. Plus, I was a little concerned that, with her friendly disposition and all, she'd be led off in cuffs before the plane started to taxi.

After shuffling her on the plane, I was asked to hang out at the gate until the plane left. I'm sure they heard me threatening her great bodily injury for any unbecoming behavior. While I was waiting, I got to check out Larry King Live....and his interview with Dog the Bounty Hunter. Now, I don't like to be a hater on Dog, and we all know I love a good mullet, but COME ON!!!!! Are you serious?

Imagine my surprise when I looked at the television, bleary eyed and coffee stained at 5am on a Saturday morning and there sits Dog, in a leopard print silk shirt, unbuttoned to his navel, with his gold dog tags (ha ha!) and that mullet. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It's like a train wreck! You don't want to be caught looking, yet you can't look away!

Then you've got his wife up there next to him in a hot pink pleather dress. She had no business wearing such a thing, for Christs' sake, she's not 21 and she's not a small girl. But, after all, isn't their whole life about making a big old statement?

Anyway, I get sidetracked. So, we've got peace and quiet for 3 whole weeks while the kid is in Atlanta, terrorizing her other biological parent and his much younger girlfriend. Bless them both because I don't think either of them have a clue what they're in for.

As for the rest of our weekend, I started drinking mimosas at about 11 Saturday morning and I think we rolled back to the hotel around midnight. Needless to say, it was fun and I found my future husband getting quite chummy with a bridal party and their inflatable penis....if he ever gives me back my camera, I'll post the pictures.

My Twisted Sense of Humor

You know, I have a love-hate affair with MySpace and also with the criminal justice system as a whole. Maybe that's why I like this so much.

Philippine Prison Reenacts Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” Video

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I'm a slacker

What is with me lately? One would think I've actually had a really exciting summer unfolding because I haven't been able to get here and blog a little bit o' something. But, that's not the case. Chaotic? Yes. Exciting? Not so much.

Last week involved the VW shitting the bed, not once, but twice and the Toyota giving an encore performance of it's prior "let's quit on a busy street during morning commute"; not only that, I was called down to the 'man room' to identify a foreign substance on the carpet - turned out to be mold. We rounded out the weekend with two parties, both at our house; one with 9 screaming 8-year-old girls (please pass the drama) and the other, about 25 screaming adults, not all of whom were actually invited. Beautiful.

The kids belated birthday party went off quite nicely considering we were at Wal-Mart at 7:30 that morning to buy all the goody-bag stuff, which by the way, when did that trinkety crap get so expensive? As I'm walking out of the store, I'm looking at two bags filled with plastic necklaces and rubber bracelets and wondering why on earth it cost me $65. Then it was off to the market where the cart quickly filled with Cheetos, Smartfood, Lemonade, Chocolate Cake and Vodka. As our yard filled with screaming children throwing water balloons and lots of laughter (lol) we had the party girl running in and out of the house "Mumma, can we open the gifts? Mumma, can we have the cake? Mumma, can we eat? Mumma, can we open the gifts? Mumma,......" Egads! Mumma needs a drink! So, as I charred a few hotdogs (since our grill only cooks on super-hot) I nursed a vodka tonic; by the time gift opening got started, I was one happy camper. "Oh! Looky, looky! It's $20! How 'bout we give that to mommy and let her put it in a safe place for you?" The gig was up because apparently, I'm not the only parent that pulls that scam. They all looked at me skeptically and, when the parent of that kid showed up, she actually tattled on me! "Mom, Syd's mom wanted to take the $20 we gave her!" came filtering through the kitchen window. The reply? "Oooh.....well, I'm sure she was just going to put it in a safe place." As she shot a look back over her shoulder and whispered something else in her daughter's ear. As I watched them leave, mortified, and knowing that this little tale would spread throughout the schools parenting community "Don't go to any parties you are invited to over at Syd's house," I poured another vodka tonic.

Several hours later, our little housewarming shin-dig kicked off and was quite a success. Almost everyone whom we invited showed up and then one of the mate's friends took it upon herself to invite some of his other old-school friends. The party crashers arrived and I panicked because:

a) I was already intoxicated so it just seemed like the right thing to do
b) They are socially inept and stalled at 18
c) They have been the cause of many-a-argument between the mate and I
d) Some of my friends are officers of the law and these people all have mug shots

No, it's not multiple choice...... A wise friend told me to "put it on a balloon and let it go" so I did just that and hung out on the deck with my friends while the mate played host to his friends. I came to find though that my friends are not much better, they're just different. We had a Master Cat Humper (very long story) and the friend with the pretend balloons who thought LOL meant lots of love. Not such a big deal until you find out she's been sending out emails like "Oh, your uncle died? I'm so sorry. LOL, me" She wonders why her friends don't email her back.

All in all, it was a great weekend to follow a pretty not-so-great week. Now we're half way thru another week and instead of working on what I need to get done, I'm busy taking this quiz to find out that, indeed, I'm a slacker mom. I'm also enjoying this blog.

Until next time,
LOL

A 3-Ring Circus

Do you ever spell a word, look at it, convince yourself that it's wrong, try 5 other ways to spell it before finally breaking down and using spell-check, only to find out that it was right in the first place? So goes my Monday with the word 'circus'........

Funny how one word can sum up an entire holiday weekend......the kid, dog and I traveled up North to visit the 'rents in po-dunk on Wednesday. Clearly, I did not put much thought in to the trip before I loaded both of them up in the grocery-getter. Bear in mind that my parents already live with their two children, two dogs and three cats in a very small 3-bedroom house. Granted, there are 7 acres of land upon which these animals can frolic.....however, a recent visit from animal control has deemed such frolicking completely unacceptable; apparently one of the dogs killed some of the neighbors chickens.....in po-dunk, that's a BIG no-no.

The actual 4th was.....mmmm.....interesting. We watched a po-dunk parade, which is actually held in a gravel pit and there were women that decided painted on mud was the perfect attire. Too bad the local well-drilling crew thought they just needed a bath. While I am trying to shield my daughters eyes so as not to have a repeat of our European vacation where she loudly proclaimed "Look at the boobs on that lady!!" when she saw a porn mag at the gas station, my teenage brother is ogling these women who, if they're lucky, actually have a half set of teeth.

The chaos continued on Thursday when my dog glanced at my parents husky in the wrong tone of voice - a dog fight ensued and ended with my step-mum beating her dog with a broom. Later that night, I awoke with a cat kneading it's claws into my back and purring in my ear. Not one to be upstaged for attention, my dog promptly nudged the cat in the ass, which put the cat on high alarm and purring soon turned to hissing. Now, I have been in the midst of a cat-freakout before and it ended with me getting my face scratched off and a shredded shirt; not a scenario I care to repeat. While flailing wildly and swearing at my idiot dog, I was trying to hide my face under the pillow - ever tried that? It's a good time. I managed to get the dog far enough away that the cat could scoot under the bed, but spent the rest of the night listening to a growling cat and a thumping dog tail. One might question, "Why, oh why, would you not just put the dog out and shut the door?" Ah. Nice thought. Too bad in po-dunk, bedroom doors seem to be optional.....which would be entirely grossing me out, but since my parents sleep in separate bedrooms, it's marginally acceptable.

Friday brings a 'tween' birthday party for my sister who turned 12. Since the husky is misbehaving, she is on lock-down in a bedroom with a door. Dog number two, a psychotic rat terrier mixed with god-knows-what is in it's kennel because it is socially inept. My dog, who is admittedly number than a pounded thumb taunts them both because, although stupid, she is calm and allowed to socialize with the humans. We get the food and the screaming 'tweens' outside for 5 minutes, and it begins to pour - of course. So, conjure this image for a moment.....go ahead and sit back, close your eyes and picture a tiny 3-bedroom house - let's say for the purpose of this exercise we pretend it's roughly 1200 square feet of living space - with 3 adults, 3 dogs, 3 cats and about a dozen children, all crammed inside because it's now a thunderstorm. Picture me trying not to loose my patience.....then picture my dad, who is much larger than me with the same personality but a much shorter fuse....not pretty. Did I mention that Ozzy Osbourne was blaring from the upstairs because my teenage brother needed a "therapy session"? By the end of the night, neither my father's Rolling Rock nor my step-mum's wine coolers (I'm almost embarrassed to admit that) could numb my throbbing cranium. But in po-dunk, the only other option is Bud or Coffee Brandy.....there is not a drop of Stoli to be found in such a place.

The kid, dog and I returned from our weekend a bit sooner than planned - for obvious reasons. In my haste, I managed to leave behind my favorite AE jeans, which I am missing today since it is chilly and showering off and on. I will say though, the long weekend gave me a whole new appreciation for the kid, the barking boxers that live behind us and the crazy neighbors that live right across the street. "Oh, you want to use your leaf blower at 7am on a Sunday? Go ahead!! Please!! As long as you're not blaring Ozzy from your truck stereo, it's fine."

Don't Drink & Diet

Here's a tip......don't decide that you're going to start paying attention to what you eat and then drink two glasses of wine before going out to dinner with your out-laws. Which is exactly what I did last nite......bad move.

Typically, I can have two glasses of wine and be just fine.....of course, that might also include a wedge of brie and some yummy bread which is probably why I can drink two glasses of wine and be just fine. Last nite however, I had the wine without the cheese and bread - save on those extra calories!! When we got ready to leave, I insisted on driving, like "yeah, I'm fine." and at the end of our street I actually had to exit the car and let Dan take the wheel. Explain that to the kid. "Why is mommy not driving?" "What is so funny mommy?" Good Lord. Then when we get to the restaurant, I find that the restrooms don't have 'women' and 'men' on the doors, they say 'buck' and 'doe' instead. Uh-huh. I walked in the 'buck' room.....and until last nite, I had managed to never witness a man's urinal.....can't they put stalls around those things or something? What if a little kid walked in there or, better yet, a drunk woman like me?

Needless to say, we managed to get through the rest of dinner with me doing only mildly annoying things like dropping my silverware and accidentally catapulting my straw out of my voda tonic into Dan's mom's salad......did I just say that? I actually went back for more???

I'm just going to go bury my head in sand now.

A Perfect Summer Day

One thing about those of us who live in Maine.....we're bitchers and whiners and complainers. We spend 5 months of the year, bitching about how blasted cold it is, then we spend 2 months complaining about 'mud season' and "for God sake, when in the hell is Spring going to get here?" .....then, due to global warming, we bitch for 3 months about the fact that we never actually got Spring and now it's so goddamn hot you can't breath........

Then, out of the blue, we get a day like today where it's 70 and sunny with a little breeze off the coast, and you know why you endure all the other months that aren't that perfect. Overall, we're pretty damn lucky because we've got a great little state, even if it is lacking in some vital departments......but I won't get on my soapbox here. So, if you're somewhere that isn't quite perfect, drink in a little of our sunshine and know that you can always come visit.....after all, we are "vacationland." Ha!