I Seem To Disappear A Lot Lately.

But I promise that I've had a majorly good excuse. Really.

First, I had to get ready for Thanksgiving with my grandparents - you know, the now 86-year-old grandmother who calls me a whore and questions how I raise my daughter every time she sees me? Oh yeah, that one. In anticipation, I decided to cook a little side-dish as sort of a, "look at me grammie, really, I'm a grown-up. I even cook." I made my friend Jessica's Spelt and Roasted Squash Salad, which was really effing yummy; you should totally try it.

Dinner at gram's ended up being quite pleasant - no name calling - and after 6 years, she's finally taken down the family portrait of my ex-husband, the kid, and I. Wow. Could we be moving on? That's all I want for Christmas......

After dinner, the kid decided to stay with my parents for the long weekend. As an added bonus, the boy was working 12 hour days. Are you adding this up? I ended up having so much alone time I wasn't sure what to do with myself. My intent was to work - which I did. Putting together holiday looks for baby boys, gift guides for baby boys and girls under $15 and $25 dollars, moderating forums, and pulling together gift guides for highly fashionable adults too. But all that only took me like, one day. I still had a lot of time to fill. So, what did I do?

• Trolled Facebook and surprisingly found my friend KLJ. Since her work email seems to hate me and I can't get messages about knitting to her that way, I'm hoping we can chat via Facebook now and set up dates that way. Hint, hint KLJ....log in to FB.
  
• I tracked down the man whom we purchased firewood from - who cheated us out of 1.5 cords, and asked when we would see the rest of our wood. He hung up on me so I called the police and was told I needed to sue him in Civil Court. Great.
• I played Guitar Hero - a lot.
• I ate 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked FroYo.
• I did NOT go shopping - except online.
• I watched a ton of television - HGTV, TLC, Lifetime......
• I knitted a new pair of fingerless gloves.
• I cleaned my house.

I was so productive I can barely stand it. And when the kid came home on Sunday afternoon, I felt so refreshed, it was like I was a new person. I'm not going to lie, I now understand how important it is to take a time-out and that will be my New Year's Resolution; taking time for me.

In other unrelated news, Prevention Magazine has asked me to participate in their Flat Belly Diet program for 32 days and blog about it for their online community. I think it's with like 49 other women. Do you think they're trying to tell me something??

Anyway, on to a diet, a lawsuit, and more gift guides.....I promise I won't disappear for another 2 weeks this time.....

What You Want vs. What You Get

I've always been a big believer in "you get what you ask for."  Even before that damn movie "The Secret" was out, I knew inherently that, if you put out bad vibes, you'd get them back; if you put out happy ones, you'll get them.  It's called karma.

So, in general, I try to be pretty good-natured.  But, over the course of the last several days, I've been beaten down into submission from the karmic-Gods and I don't even know what I did to deserve it.  Here's how it's gone down in my little game of "What You Want vs. What You Get."

What I Want :: To make people laugh.

What I Get :: My brother calling my dad and tattling on me after I blogged about stuff I'd already said to him in person.

What I Want :: A nice little fence around the back yard so the dogs can frolic happily.

What I Get :: A nice 4 1/2 foot fence that took twelve hours to install, multiple trips to Home Depot, hundreds of dollars out of our checking account, and a dog that is apparently crossbred with Super Man because he can jump over it like it's nothing. 

What I Want :: One day to work completely uninterrupted.

What I Get :: 3 hours of chasing a loose dog around the neighborhood while he proudly carries a dead squirrel in his mouth.

What I Want :: To serve my time on jury duty in peace.

What I Get :: A seat next to chatty-cathy whose breath always smells like cat poop.

So what did I do to piss off the karma Gods anyway?  I can think of about 10 people that are going to email me right after they read this and list all the reasons I'm being justly punished.

Exciting News!

Well, I'm happy to say that I've got baby news......not my own of course, because we all know how well that seems to be going.

But, one of my BFF's called yesterday to say she's cookin' a kid and I gotta say, if anyone deserves a little, it's her.  For all the time I've known her, she's wanted nothing more than to have a screeching child to chase around.  Bless her heart, she's watched countless nieces and nephews be born, and she's never once shown petty jealously, unlike me. 

Rae is one of those people that's really, really nice. if I didn't actually know her, I'd probably spend a lot of time disliking her because she's so nice and sweet.  I don't think I've ever heard her gossip, and I've only seen her mad once, and that was after a bad breakup when she was talking about stealing and torching her ex's car.....that she paid for.  

Of course, that's all water under the bridge now.  She's like the always optimistic gal who's incredibly successful, has landed herself a hottie husband that drives for UPS and she's got the cutest little house in the 'burbs.  

Now that I'm writing out all these redeeming qualities, it kind of makes me wonder what she sees in me; maybe I'm her secret alter ego that she just never lets out of the bag.

Anyway.....how's the weekend shaking up?  Last nite, we took the kid to Margarita's for a belated birthday dinner.  Apparently, the boy taking her out to breakfast the morning of her birthday, plus the overnight hotel slumber party with 6 friends, and the 6 weeks of horseback riding we bought for her as a gift weren't enough; can anyone say "spoiled?"  

I tried to explain to her that Margarita's would be incredibly busy on a Friday nite at 7 o'clock, but she'd hear nothing of it.  So we went, and we waited.  And, we were lucky enough to be standing right in front of a couple that had a screaming child.  And they were those parents that wouldn't take the damn kid out of the place.  

We're not talking an occasional scream, we're talking full on, terrorizing type screaming to the point where the father was covering his mouth in a desperate attempt to muffle the ear-drum bursting decibel level.  I'm pretty sure my ears started to bleed a little.

I, being the really nice person I am, wanted to turn around and be like, "If you can't shut that damn kid up I'm going to haul him out of here by his toenails and duct tape him to the top of my car."  Of course, before I could turn around and utter the words, the boy flicked me and said, "Don't even think about it."

Call me crass, but for Christ's sake, when your kid is screaming in a restaurant and you are subjecting countless other victims to the misery that you choose to inflict upon yourself, do everyone a favor and just leave.  Or at least take the kid outside.  Or, give him a drink.  A little peach margarita would have shut him right up.

See, this directly relates back to the Rae friendship; she would have whipped out her Anthropologie apron and pulled some treats out of her magic bag of goodies.  She would have cooed a little, maybe even invented a quick game or two so the kid would be pre-occupied and stop screaming.  She's good like that.  

I, on the other hand, just resented the hell out of the little beast.

Um, so that was our Friday.  Today, I'm working on finishing up my manuscript (still....and yes, I was still working on it last weekend too) and trying to also complete the suitcase that my friend Ms. Sarah (who owns Ms. Lulu's) asked me for about 6 months ago.  She saw Syd's and wanted a little piece of the action for herself.......however, I seem to be having a creative block" primarily because I don't want her to get the suitcase and be like "What the hell is this piece of shit?"

That's it.  I'm going to head back down to the basement and play with some more spray adhesive now.....have a great weekend!!

I've Been a Little Weepy Lately

Which is why I haven't written in a while.

Recently, I've found out that 5 - count 'em - FIVE people that are in my immediate circle of family and friends, are pregnant.  F.I.V.E.

Like, are they drinking special water or something?  And if so, I'm pretty sure it's the same damn water that's running through these faucets and I've got nothing in utero. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

Which makes me weepy. Which is why I haven't been writing.

And it's really such a bummer, because I got great news in the midst of it all - I got the gig with Upromise.com.  So, so excited.  But then I got the phone call that the 5th person was preggo, and my big fat happy balloon deflated pretty fucking quickly.  

Owell, there's always next month, right?

Breakfast Conversations with The Kid

Sometimes, the exchanges between myself and my child blow my mind. Mostly because I think that I fail to recognize just how grown up she's getting. Here is my most recent conversation with mini-me. It involves the recent wins that Mrs. Clinton has chalked up......

Me :: Hey Syd, did you know that Hilary won Ohio and Texas?
Syd :: Yeah mom, that's old news.
Me :: Oh, well it just happened like two days ago.
Syd :: Uh, yeah, well, I read it in the Times, like, yesterday. It doesn't matter though; Obama is still ahead.

Well holy-freaking-shit. Did my soon-to-be-nine-year-old just say she's reading the New York Times???

A quick glance at the boy confirmed it as he shook his head and said, "yeah, she made me buy a copy yesterday when she saw it on the cover."

I think we may have our own version of "Alex" from Family Ties on our hands. Christ.

Hate & Discontent

I'll start by saying that, if you're of the male persuasion, you may just want to click away. For the last week, I've been in a hateful mood, which is primarily why I haven't posted. But as a new week begins, and my mood stays just as crappy, I'm starting to notice a trend. Instead of bitching about how much life sucks, I'll just break down the last 7 days.

Monday :: Boy is still sick and lying on the couch refusing medical treatment. I leave to take the kid to school, only to discover that I have a flat tire. The last person to drive the car? The boy. So, I call the boy, he ignores the ringing phone the first 7 times I call him. Not deterred, I continue calling until he picks up. I inquire about the flat tire, he insists he doesn't know. When I question further, he hangs up on me. I call my dad. Consider moving in to a hotel until boy is on the mend.

Tuesday :: Work at part-time job until noon. Go to meeting related to real job from 12:45 to 2:15. Arrive 45 minutes late to PTO meeting that started at 1:30, only to find that they are just finishing up. Drive like a bat out of hell to get home and pack the swim bag that the kid forgot to pack the night before. Find the boy still lying on the couch, but with antibiotics and a $600 Emergency room bill. Apparently he did not realize that there is such a thing as a PCP. Go do the carpool thing, go back to part-time job until 5. Haul kid to pool for swim practice and realize 1/2 way there that I've forgotten to pack her clean underwear. Kid is pissed. She then realizes that I've packed snacks she doesn't like. Kid is more pissed. Get to the pool, get settled, and kid approaches with smirk on her face. "Don't get too comfortable, you forgot my swimsuit." Now kid is close to hysterics, I race home, across town, grab a swimsuit and come back, only to find her already in the pool in someone else's suit. Thanks for calling to let me know you little shit.

Wednesday :: Try to catch up on my normal job. Furnace quits working. Furnace repair guy comes over and replaces a fuel filter and tells us that we need a new oil tank. Oh, and by the way, "your chimney isn't drafting properly either. You'll want to call a chimney sweep." Great.

Thursday :: Someday sister-in-law calls to see if it might be okay for her to take the dog to Bethel for the weekend, and leave her in a strangers house while she goes skiing. I say that no, I don't think that will work, and ask if she needs us to make other arrangements for the dog since we will be out of town. She assures me that everything is fine. Again, try to get my writing together. Book outline due soon. Review with the New York Times Company coming soon. Can't work fast enough. Swim practice at 5:30. Even though I'm crazy busy, it does not occur to the boy to take the kid to practice. Apparently I have the ability to be in 7 places at once. 7:30 phone call from someday sister-in-law. Oops, her plans have changed, so she'll let the dog out tomorrow night and then her mother will be by the next day to let her out. The dog will be okay home alone, overnight, right? Since she left me a voicemail, I didn't get the opportunity to tell her that, "no, actually, the dog won't be okay home alone overnight because she has ridiculous anxiety and attachment issues and she'll eat the holy hell out of our house. But don't worry about it, because you're going skiing and you've given your mother permission to come in to our house and go through all our shit while we're not here. Great. I hope you have a fantastic fucking time skiing with your friends." Get home, bitch to the boy who cannot understand why I'm in a pissy mood. Kid is having a meltdown because she now thinks that the boy is going to stay home with the dog rather than go watch her swim. Try to get bags packed for State Swim Meet in Orono over the weekend.

Friday :: Go get my fat ass weighed in at Weight Watchers. I loose nearly a pound, although I'm not sure how that's possible considering the fact that I've been in a pissy mood and eating nothing but Ring-Dings and potato chips for the last 5 days. I take the 8/10th's of a pound. I finally get around to calling my someday sister-in-law back, since she was kind enough to leave me another message, just to make sure I got the first one, to tell her that she doesn't need to be bothered with our dog - we've made other arrangements. While I refrain from saying too much, I do let her know, ever so nicely, that her last minute bail-out on us nearly fucked up our entire trip. Leave for the 2 1/2 hour drive to Orono.

Saturday :: Up at 6 am so the kid can be in the pool by 7:30. Spend the entire morning screaming my heart out for my girl. Just like every other parent. Leave UMO with a ginormous migrane. Walk out in the parking lot and realize that we're going to be driving home in white-out conditions on the turnpike. Stop to have lunch and spend the entire meal listening to a woman, who was also at the meet, talk on her cell phone about how it was so packed that had there been a fire, everyone would have perished. Nice. Saddle up to the steering wheel because the boy was tired and white-knuckle my way home. 5 hours later, we arrive back in Portland. Again, the boy cannot understand why I'm tired, or in a bad mood. I begin to say that it might have something to do with the fact that I didn't get a 5 hour nap on the way home, but think that it must be so obvious, it doesn't need to be stated. Apparently, I was wrong.

Sunday :: Spend the day taking the dog to the beach and grocery shopping. While I am not a grocery Nazi, I do not buy shitty things. My normal grocery bill runs somewhere around $150 for the three of us. Yesterday, when I brought the boy shopping with me, I spent $225 and came home with a car full of Cocoa-Puffs, ice cream, and cookies. In the afternoon, I broach the subject of finances and how, I really need the remained of his tax return that he's hoarding to pay off the $850 cash advance he took on our credit card - remember? The one he didn't bother to mention to me? Ah yes. He just cannot see why it needs to be paid off right now. Somehow 30% interest doesn't bother him. I get pissy and spend the remainder of the day in my room watching DVD's.

Monday :: Thank God. The week from hell is over. Oh no! It's not. Go to the car to take the kid to school. Keys (both sets) are locked inside car. My car is blocking the boys truck in the driveway. Kid is missing her basketball game and is going to be late for MEA testing. End up dragging kid to shool via foot, getting her there just in time. AAA comes and saves the day. Go to the p/t job, spend the day pissy, come home and find that, while the boy has been home all day, the dishes are not done, the laundry is all over the bed, and he's had time to take a nap.

Explain to me how exactly that works out.