I could say a lot of incredibly mean things right now about the youth of today; but I once was youthful and not so old and apparently crotchety, so I will refrain. However, I don't know that I was ever as obnoxious as the two boys that I encountered this afternoon.
As I am headed into suburbia, I see two boys - not likely older than 12 or 13 - walking out of a wooded area on the side of the street. And I glanced at them. I casually looked over at them and I did so for several reasons :: a) there's nothing back there except raspberry bushes a dried up creek bed, and all of our backyards, b) I've never seen these two boys in our little neighborhood before (and believe you-me, everyone knows everyone around these parts), c) they startled me and I wasn't sure if they were totally paying attention, and d) I live in this damn neighborhood and I'll glance at whoever I darn well please!
And I'll be struck by lightening if the smaller of the two didn't say "What chew lookin' at B*TCH?!?" as I drove by. Unbelievable. Not one to be pushed around by some punk kid, I came to a screeching halt in the middle of good old Wisteria Lane.....and I looked in the rear view mirror as I did so. The one nice thing about a station wagon is that you can see everything that is going on behind you.
Blatantly ignoring the loud protests and the pleas to "not go back there," from the kid, I threw her in reverse and started careening backwards down the street. Imagine my giddy pleasure as I caught the look on the boys faces when the VW logo was hurling straight at them; I'm pretty sure they pissed themselves. As I rolled to a stop next to these two kids I said in my every so friendly voice, "I'm sorry. Did you have something to say to me?" And I cocked my head to the side a little bit......plastered on a big smile.....you know, because I'm so nice and all.
"Uh....no, Uh, I wazn't talkin' to you. I didn't say nuthin! I waz talkin' to my boy hea, Treva. Isn't that right?" I'm pretty sure, based on the look that Trevor had, he was not the one who said anything to me and he was debating his odds on lying to keep his friend out of trouble.
"Um, yea, I guess." Trevor didn't have much to say.
So, homeboy, gangsta-wannabe starts walking down the street again and I just keep driving forward. And I egged him on.....mostly because at this point, I knew he was scared and I didn't care. I was going to make a point. Meanwhile, the kid is trying to disappear in the seat next to me because she is so clearly humiliated.
"Well, just in case you did call me a b*tch, or just in case the thought crossed your mind, I wanted to let you know that's probably not such a good idea....I mean, this is a small neighborhood and all.....you never know what might happen."
*Silence as I drive 1mph next to them.....*
"Oh, and just a thought. I'm pretty sure that your "boy" here, doesn't really have your back, so if you're going to insist on being a thug, you might want to find some different friends." And with that, I started to drive off. Then I thought better of it and rolled the window down one more time.
"One last little thing: I'm not sure if your parents have talked to you about this, but you really might want to learn how to speak English, I mean, for your own sake. And do us all a favor, ask your mom to buy you a belt, okay? I pay too much in property taxes to have to stare at your underwear. Have a nice day boys!" And then I drove off.
Now, the kid hates me because I completely embarrassed her and also gave her a lecture about how "If I EVER find out that you do something like that....." and the boy hates me because he figures that the gangsta's are going to come egg our house.
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