Godsmacking the Minivan

As I dropped the kid off at school the other day, I pulled up behind a fellow carpool mom and her mini-van. Now, I have issues with minivans; although I am not sure when it started. It could have been any of these particular moments:

1)Halloween, Sophomore Year :: A group of friends and I had borrowed someone's parents minivan. We had splendid ideas of smashing pumpkins - and no, I'm not referencing the band.

I can't even remember what driveway was our target, but I know the back of that van was full of carefully carved pumpkins that we'd spent hours snatching off of people's porches. What I remember vividly was someone careening far too fast around the last corner of the subdivision, and the minivan door flying wildly open; we lost most of our pumpkins. I almost think that the door came completely off the van, but if that were the case, I don't think we could have figured out how to put it back on. As a result, I feel that minivan's might be dangerous.

2) A few years ago, my brother bough a minivan. To hell if I know why. He said something about needing the space, but when you've got one kid and a girlfriend, I can't see how that's really necessary. Even now, with two kids, I can't see the reason. What I do know is that his minivan has tinted window's and a NASCAR license plate; he may even have some sort of loud stereo system in the back. Did I mention he's only 27? As a result, I feel that minivan's give people the license to act retarded.

3) New minivan's come with all sorts of little treats. DVD players, swiveling seats and tables. Minivan's are becoming small versions of motor homes. And if your minivan has all the comforts of home, your kids are going to want to be in it, which means more time driving them around, listening to them argue about stuff. At least at home you can lock yourself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and a good book.

So, it should come as no surprise that I took issue with the soccer mom ahead of me. Who had ever so perfectly placed a "Godsmack" bumper sticker on the top of her back window. Why? Why do that? Godsmack bumper stickers do not belong on the back of minivan's. On a cute little Jetta? Maybe. The 1990 Mazda that the neighbor kid can afford? I'll give you that. The '94 Honda Accord? For sure. But on a Honda MINIVAN? No.

Here's what belongs on minivan's - if you're going to drive them. A PAYSA sticker. A "I'm the proud parent of an honor roll student." A "Hillary 2008" sticker. But Godsmack? Come on! Putting a "Godsmack" bumper sticker on your van is clearly a desperate attempt at being cool with your high school aged child and their friends.

Here's a newsflash: Parents are cool until kids become about 9. Then forget it, you're not cool until they're in their mid-twenties. Unless, of course, you let them smoke pot and drink beer in your basement; then maybe you're cool.


So please, if you're going to insist on driving a minivan, at least acknowledge that you've ventured down a road you can never get off of. Do not try to make your minivan cool. Don't try to make it hip, or young. It's not. Take off the Godsmack sticker and just let your kids cover the windows with Barney stickers instead.