The Skeeziness of Bob's

Several month's ago, the kid took apart her bed, hauled it all to the curb, and declared that she didn't want it anymore. In fact, what she wanted was to have her bed on the floor - it was "cozier."

Well, the novelty of that horse and pony show has worn off, and she now wants a new bed.

We tried to talk her into taking our bed, so we could move up a size. After all, what kid doesn't want a full size bed? Apparently, ours.

"A full size bed isn't as versatile."
"What?!" Me, mildly annoyed because I really want a queen size bed
"I don't have as many options with a full size bed." Eye rolling and exasperation included.
"Sydnie. What in God's name are you talking about?!?"
"Um, in case you hadn't noticed, I like to rearrange my room. And with a full size bed, I can only put it in two places and I don't want that."
"So, you want to keep making your friends sleep on the floor when they spend the night?"
"That's their problem, not mine."

As she stands, shrugging her shoulders, I am completely annoyed that she (a) is clearly so not budging on this bed thing, and (b) that she isn't considering her friends.

So, off to bed shop we go. Actually, it was Dan and her that went first, because he thought I might need some quiet time to get work done. But it wasn't an hour later that they called and had to come home to get me. And all together, we made a trip to Bob's Discount Furniture.

Say what you want about Bob's, but I'll tell you this, the pit has deals you can't beat. Especially when you're trying to shop for a twin size bed on the cheap.

The first thing I notice when I enter the store is the dead goldfish floating in their little pond at the entrance. Nice. Real nice.

Then we get the salesman. Short in stature, he is of Hispanic decent and has one of those thin mustaches. Not like Juan Valdez in the coffee commercials, but instead one of those very thin, almost penciled in mustaches that makes him look greasy. Wearing a cheap suit, he's got a gold Folex and too many man-rings.

"You folks just looking around?"
"Yep."
"Can I help you find anything?"
"Nope."
"Well, if you need anything, I'll be within eye sight."
"Yep, we know, thanks."

And off we went - Dan in one direction, the kid and I in the other. And guess who that greasy bastard followed all over the store?

Dan. Guess he doesn't know who holds the purse strings. Needless to say, we came home empty handed.

Are You Ready for This? I'm Not.

So, it seems that over the course of the next two weeks, my smiling face will be delivered to 2 million inboxes around the country, courtesy of Upromise.com.

Dear Sweet Gentle Jesus.

Don't get me wrong, the Upromise site is great - in fact, if you have children and you're reading this, and you're NOT signed up for Upromise, you're ca.razy.  Free money for college....hello?!? Miss Sydi has been a member since birth and with any luck, I won't have to pay for textbooks, or maybe her student lunch card.  Anyway, it's totally worth it; especially if you're like me and do a lot of your shopping online.

But, back to the original intent of this post.  In the grand scheme of things, 2 million people is really just a drop in the bucket, but to me, it seems like a hella lot.  So, if you're already signed up over there, be prepared, I'm coming right into your home and you don't have a darn thing to say about it. 

Martha Effing Stewart

That's right b-yotch. I played Martha Stewart today. So at my house, what does that look like? A little something like this.

But instead of all sorts of boxes of Christmas goodies, today it was just lots of chocolate chip cookies and two loaves of homemade bread, courtesy of my step-mommas bread recipe. By the way, it's yummy. And if I get her permission, I might just put it up here.

Anywho, I do have a complaint about my chocolate chip cookies though. The recipe says that it will make 26 5-inch cookies, but somehow, I only make about 18 per batch. Which means that one of three things happened:

• I ate 8 cookies worth of raw cookie dough.
• Martha Stewart is a liar.
• I made 10-inch cookies.

I'm here to tell you that it was not option 2 or 3.

Hip Hop Grannies

I don't know how many of you have the luxury of sitting in your bathrobe, laptop on lap, watching the Today Show in the morning, but that pretty much sums up my life on most mornings. That's truly what I love about the freelance writer's life. Don't get me wrong, I work hard, but I also get some unadvertised perks.

Anyway, while watching the Today Show this morning, I caught this segment on Hip Hop Grannies in China. And of course, I had to share it with everyone else - just in case you actually had to go in to the office today.

No-Neck Mows the Lawn

So it's official; No-Neck has become a man.

Today was "learn to mow the lawn" day over at Leaf Blower and Mullet Mom's.  There's nothing better than looking out the window over a sandwich to see a sweaty and shirtless Leaf Blower teaching the kid how to mow the lawn.  And believe you me, it was a sight.

Because Leaf Blower is a communist when it comes to his lawn (um, and basically everything else), you might imagine that the lines must be perfectly straight.  So, as No-Neck finished each row and turned the mower around, fat, sweaty, SHIRTLESS (and hairy) Leaf Blower would rush over, bending sideways to see if the line was, indeed, straight.  He'd put his hand out, close one eye, and squint just to make sure.

Seriously.  Their kid is 10.  My someday spouse is 32 and he doesn't even mow the lawn in straight lines.  Christ.

Of course, in some small way, this is probably just punishment for their kid who was recently seen riding his bike through the neighborhood with his mother, screaming at her that she was stupid the entire time; like, really screaming.  So loudly, that my friend actually called me about it to tell me.  

I know, we're pathetic.

In other news, I've been a busy chicky, which is why I haven't been around the blogosphere lately. I had a quick turn copyedit assignment that I cranked out over the weekend, spending the one sunny day we've had in 2 months cooped up in my office.  Other than that, nothing all that exciting going on.  The last few weeks of the summer will be, hopefully, uneventful. 

Rain, Rain Go Away

Honest to Christ, it has been raining for an unGODly amount of time. Like, it's seriously redonkulous.

The school-shopping trip to the Big K turned out to be a total bust. It was raining that day too - actually, it was more like a deluge of water just streaming from the sky, leaving ginormous puddles in it's wake, but whatever. They had none of the clothes the kid wanted at Kmart, but we did get to stop at Steve and Barry's where I scored a few cute t-shirts from the Bitten line - which I love. And thanks to Corey, by the way, for pointing out that the store has declared bankruptcy. I'm happy to say that they may be staying in business though, according to the manager of the store whom I chatted up whilst shopping.

One thing I learned about the Bitten line though; it was created only for people that become invisible when they stand sideways. Any woman that has hips is not going to wear that clothing line - ever. Which was disappointing, because I have hips.

In other rambling-style news, we had a bat in the house the other night. Which pretty much made me shit myself. While I cowered on the couch, screaming my bloddy lungs out while the bat circled my head so closely that I could feel the wind beneath it's wings, the boy ran around the house with a brown shirt over his head like a cape, thinking he could chase it out.

Clearly, he's a total fucking moron.

I continued to scream while he wrapped me in a blanket and shoved me in my office with the door closed, and then opened all the doors in the house in hopes that it would fly out. It worked, but not before I was screaming at him too about the possibility that another bat would fly IN. Jesus, I'm surprised our stripper-man cops didn't show up to save the day.

When A Man is More Beautiful Than a Woman

Until yesterday, I've never really come across a man that I considered beautiful.

And that, my friends, was when I met one of our city's "finest,"........an employee of the police department. He was investigating a case of stolen property, to which I was a witness, but the entire time we were talking, all I could think about was how he looked far more like one of those strippers that shows up at a bachelorette party - which made it really hard to focus and be serious.

I was also thinking:
1) He looks like a dark-haired version of Johnny Bravo.
2) He must spend a fortune on hair product and tanning.

And then I couldn't stop giggling. I'm sure he found me to be wildly annoying, but when a cop shows up to take a statement, and you're waiting for him to rip off his velcro pants and start grinding a poll at any moment, it's kind of hard to keep a straight face.

Holding A Grudge

I'm pretty good at holding a grudge.  In fact, in some cases, I have a chip on my shoulder the size of the polar ice cap.....and I'm not melting nearly as quick.

But, over time, I tend to let these things go.  Especially when I either haven't seen the person in a long time, or, I was not directly involved in a situation and I've just been carrying one of those "friend-grudges."  You know, the kind you hold on to when a friend has been wronged and you're just doing your duty by being pissy at the person that screwed them over?

Come to think of it, there are only two people that I'm seriously grudging against right now. One is my ex-husband.  I'd name him, but that might be too obvious, so I'll just link to his MySpace page, and a really funny interview where he proclaims what a wonderful volunteer he is and how he cares so much about the community.  If you want to hold a "friend-grudge" for me, that would be cool.  Oh, what are we grudging about? Um, let's start with the $10K + that he owes me for child support.  

The second person is Leaf Blower, who finds it perfectly acceptable to mow the neighbor lady's lawn at 7:30 on a Thursday morning when it's summer vacation.  WTF?  Especially when he sat home the rest of the day, hanging out with No Neck and Tranny Nanny.

But, I just digressed on one of those grudge rants, so let me get back to my original story. The other day, my brother and his wife ran in to an old classmate of mine that happens to be friendly with my high-school boyfriend, who clearly hates me, as referenced here.  When my brother began talking to her, she began making a clear reference to a move to NY that he made + the fact that I was generally a total asshole for screwing him over.  

Wow.  The funny thing is, that was five years ago.  And, while I can certainly understand him holding a grudge, I can't understand her doing it because A) I haven't spoken to her since high school, and B) she was never even involved in the situation, and therefore does not know the intimate details.  But, whatev.  I mean, is it okay to hold a "friend-grudge" for 5 years?  Is that strange to anyone else but me??