Proof That You Can Pick Your Friends But Not Your Neighbors

Did you know that we actually pay $3000 a year in property taxes so I can sit in my kitchen and watch Leaf Blower and No Neck sit shirtless in their driveway drinking lemonade and eating BBQ potato chips?

I didn’t realize that was why our taxes were so high either, until Sunday.  Apparently, when the assessor takes a look at your property, they eyeball the neighbors and say, “Yeah, let’s tack on another $500 for the loose dogs that run around the neighborhood, and that Mullet next door is worth at least a grand.”

If they can get their minivan up on cinder blocks and put a NASCAR flag out front before the next assessment, we might even get jacked up to $3500. Then I'd actually feel a little more at home; it would be like having my brother right next door! (Sorry Shawn, I couldn't resist.)

Had I known then what I know now, I’m not sure that I would have been so eager to purchase this very fine house. 

But, truthfully, I’ve never had much luck with neighbors – which makes me question whether I attract crazy people, or if I am just attracted to them.  Although, the alternative would have been to stay in the apartment building that is now a meth-lab with a landlord that was arrested for kidnapping a prostitute and then assaulting her boyfriend with a handgun;  true Story.

And if I remember right, there was also a restraining order taken out against him by a woman that he claimed was his fiancé who had been kidnapped by a motorcycle gang. I’m pretty sure that he broke in to her home also, so there may have been a charge of B&E on that police complaint, along with the stalking charge.

The neighbors before that were a drunk couple with a special needs child.  I remember the police coming on more than one occasion; the final time because the guy was running up and down the street, shirtless, waving a sword.  Where to you even get a sword?

At any rate, my neighbors have always been nut bags.; I <3>

 

Grilled Cheese and Bacon Salt

In high school, I had a pretty great boyfriend whose parents introduced me to grilled cheese made with Wonder Bread and Velveeta. Apparently, everyone but me knew about the yummy goodness such a grilled cheese held.

Today, I got to thinking about that grilled cheese and decided to make one. Trying to be slightly health-conscious, I made it with wheat bread and low-fat Velveeta. I've got to say, the original one was much better.

So anyway, it made my Saturday.

The other thing this boyfriend had was a grandfather that made air-popped popcorn drizzled with melted bacon fat and lots of salt. I know, your arteries are clogging right now, and personally, I'm wretching at the thought of it all, but it was some damn good popcorn.

It was a treat I only ate when I visited their house, and since that time, I've thought about that damn good popcorn a lot. But since we don't eat bacon at this house........well, you get the idea. I had thought all hope was lost, until I got a happy little email about Bacon Salt today.

Suddenly, air popped popcorn is sounding pretty damn good again.

I Take That Back

Just when I thought that my Friday was going to pass with only the mild annoyance that Leaf Blower could bring, I woke from an afternoon siesta to the sounds of a kickball bouncing off the hood of my car.

No Neck and his Thug friends must have had a 1/2 day of school.

Then Mullet Mom started screeching out the window for them to watch what they were doing.

And then No Neck says, "Guys, let's see if we can hit the neighbors house instead!" With that, the ball went sailing in the other direction and landed in a neighbors yard. Ugh. What is with those kids?

Now, just to make my week complete, Leaf Blower has gotten his midlife crisis car out of storage and he's sitting in the driveway, revving the engine.

I Think It's Time to Hit the Grocery Store

When you open your freezer and the only two things in it are a Lean Cuisine and a bag of frozen bagels, it's a pretty good indicator that it's time to hit the grocery store. Where the hell did all our food go?

Honestly, I don't deprive our family.....I just went to the store last week! I think we must have squatters when we're not here or something. Of course, between the cost of gas, and the cost of food, I'm surprised WE'RE not squatters by now......

Other than this amazing epiphany, I really have nothing else to report. Leaf Blower was busy blowing leaves at the neighbors house today, which really pissed me off because I have another 20,000 words due to my publisher on Sunday; it's hard to concentrate when all you can hear is a damn leaf blower.

Don't get me wrong though, I was totally keeping my eyes open though because the last time he was blowing leaves, it was off her roof and he fell off; that was a site for sure.

The weekend holds a meeting and then a big 4-0 birthday party for a friend. Then next week is April vacation, and quite possibly stands to be the single longest week of my life. I'm so desperate to keep the kid busy that I'm contemplating a trip to the mall! Oh the horror!! I'm also entertaining a trip to Boston for the day......

So, another boring post. Hope you're having a fabulous Friday, and enjoying the warm, sunny weather.......

Maine :: The Way Life Should Be

A funny thing happens here in the far corner of the Northeast.....when it hits 32.1 degrees, people go crazy! It's like, OMG, it's spring. Let's take out the tube tops and shorts! Snow plows be damned, it's like summa round hea!!!

Yesterday was one of those days.....rainy in the morning, but clearing nicely mid-afternoon. I think it actually hit 50.......so what did I witness? Let's see:

• a chubby man with back hair wearing a hand-made (you know, with the sleeves cut off, the sides ripped down and the neck taken out) tank top that said, "Who's Your Daddy?"
• an older gentleman wearing khaki shorts with white tube socks and black tennis shoes
• and my favorite peek of the day, a balding man with plummer's crack taking a snow plow off his baby blue passenger van

But we live in Maine.....it's the way life should be!

Watching the Red Sox

There is something so completely relaxing about doing anything with the drone of a Red Sox game in the background - really. I know, I know, most of you probably don't picture me as a baseball fan, but those Red Sox had me at "hello," way back in 2000.

But now, I'm trying to sit here and actually WATCH the game - the first game of the season that I've gotten to see - and I've got the dog dream-barking, and the kid bouncing around in front of the television doing that annoying "whisper shout" thing she does.....

"What do you mean it's 1 to 1?"

"When is something exciting going to happen?"

"His name isn't really Coco Crisp, is it?"

Not only does this drastically reduce the enjoyment factor of the game for me, it is completely distracting me from catching Papelbon's DD commercial; that boy's got a nice ass.

Politics on Brookview Terrace

If my ultra-Republican, ultra-Catholic neighbors were in charge of publishing the Maine Sunday Telegram, the headline would undoubtedly read, "Smart Parents Warn Their Children: Vote Democrat and Die."

This is basically what they told the kid the other day when she was over playing kickball with No Neck and Future Tranny Nanny (my fabulous neighbor came up with great new nicknames for them....I effing love her). So here is the conversation that ensued with the kid who so loves Obama, as evidenced here and here.

Syd: Who are you voting for?

Us: You already know that. Who are YOU voting for?

Syd: Well, no one now...*sigh*....

Us: Why not?

Syd: When I was playing with No Neck and Tranny Nanny (she doesn't really use those names - I swear!) their parents told me that if I vote for Obama, he's going to bring the war over here and all of us will die. I don't want to die, so I guess I'm not going to vote now.

At this point, I nearly spit out my food because I was laughing so hard. So, the boy and I tried to explain the difference between Republican's and Democrats, and how some people are so committed to their party designation that they'll vote for that person, no matter what.

She asked a little bit about, well, how do you know who to pick, who's going to break their promise, which party is better, what would she be when she grew up......we told her that she had to make her own decisions based on what she read and what she could find out for herself. She couldn't make a decision based on what other people told her.

She had a puzzled look, and as I tempered my anger about them scaring the holy hell out of her, the boy came up with the perfect analogy; this is one of the things I love most about him: his uncanny ability to relate information to her so she can understand it.

The Boy: "Ok, it's kind of like American Idol - The Republicans are Simon and the Democrats are Randy Jackson."

Syd: "So, who's Paula Abdul?"

The Boy: "She's Ralph Nader."

Dear Lord, who knows what will become of her now.

"Where The Hell Have You Been?"

Earlier today, I got an email with that exact title. Enclosed was a note from an old friend:

"Hey Biz-nitch, where the hell are you? And why the hell aren't you blogging? You're my blogging star....please shine your light once again.....in other words, get your shit together and start being funny again!"

Surely, he jests. But alas, I realized that it's been a while since I dropped a note. And while nothing all that funny has happened here on Brookview Terrace as of late, I can offer up a dose of what I've been up to. So, here's been my last few days:

• getting a fresh and sassy new haircut - it's very Mariska Hargitay, she rocks my socks
• writing all new media and press materials for Kristen Michele
• getting up to speed on Children Of Inmates so I can write all new web copy for them
• trying to learn all the ins and outs of being a new guide at About.com
• getting the first 20,000 words of my book down on paper and turned in to my publisher
• writing the web copy for Lady Luxe Collections, a fab designer handbag site
• lining up an interview with Upromise.com to become their new fashion blogger - wish me luck!
• Brainstorming a fab design for a suitase for Ms. Lulu's

So that's been my week, and that's why I've been gone. So, for the one person that emailed me to say "get your shit together and start being funny again," I apologize that I've failed you on one more post.

But I promise, I've got lots of funny coming up......don't leave me now!!